Perhaps It Was Actually a Good Day

Thinking back over events and times passed today, I once again realize how much my perspective has changed since this date 17 years ago. January 2, 1992. When I think of the date itself, I will often feel a slight chill as I brace to see if it will hurt me when I remember it this time. Will the memories stab or numb me as I allow myself to go back? Will they do even that? Will anything new come back to me this time, or will my mind block me in an act of self preservation? So much of why it hurts has nothing to do with the actual date or the finality of it all, so much as what has since been missing in my life. Loss is a strange thing with which to become acquainted.

The thing is this. I begin to see the blessings of what this day really was; what it meant. When I think of how long and deep the suffering was that lead up to this moment, this day, I begin to see God's hands at work and I find it appropriate to pause.

Blessings #1 & #2: I was a child and could not fully comprehend all the things that were happening. I was shielded from more than I realized for quite some time.  When I think of my father at this time, I think of the scripture in Doctrine & Covenants 50: "Fear not, little children, for you are mine...[And] I have overcome the world for you...ye need not bear all things now...". Even though I was a moody teenager trying to convince myself I resented being kept in the dark, some part of me knew it was better that my dad was there to bear the brunt of it for us kids. I will never fully know all he suffered, but it was a valiant and deeply loving thing he did for us to try to keep our childhood innocence intact. "Greater love hath no man than that he layeth down his life for another". Perhaps my dad didn't actually put his life on the line for us, but I know for a fact that beautiful, wonderful parts of him perished as he attempted to save my brothers and me from all escapable sorrows. I honor him now and hope it is not too late to say, "Thank you, Dad". You define Nobility to me in so many ways and I love you.

Blessings#3,#4 & #5: Time, Family & Answered Prayers. Time was short and calls were made to family and friends. We prayed for time to assemble and we received it. I remember all my mama's brothers (Uncle Christy, Uncle Steven, Uncle Alan) rushing from California with their children and wives to be with us, and pray with us. I remember being surrounded by my cousins, aunts and uncles and grandparents on my dad's side of the family, too. One of the things I remember the most is all of us crowding into Mama's hospital room to have a family prayer for her. Haeberle's, Hartsell's, Humphries'. I remember the feeling in the room and how special it was to be with ALL my family; a truly heavenly experience despite the circumstances. 

We prayed that there would either be a miraculous turn-around or that Mama's suffering would finally cease after so many years of battling with the ruthless cancer. We prayed that she would know we loved her and did not want her to suffer; that we knew we would be reunited with her again; that her children would be looked after in her absence. I began to cry. My Uncle John quietly, lovingly gathered me up and held me like a small child. He sat and held me in the hallway until my sobbing had abated and I once again felt the peace of being surrounded by our loved ones. 

Mama was gone less than 24 hours later. It was a blessing and a miracle to us all. And so it is that I am able to say, despite the intermingling sorrows, perhaps is was actually a good day. The biggest blessing I have ever received was knowing that God truly heard our prayers and answered them. That means that He knows you and me individually. He loves us. He is always there and always cares. For me it means that Christ's atonement is real. That He knows how we feel when we go through our earthly trials. In the knowledge of so many unshakable truths, I feel blessed, and I think it's gonna be a pretty good day.

Love, 

Autumn