Seasonal Mood Swings and Things

Okay, so the summer is all but over and I have been pretty much silent (and sick) through it all. Apologies, apologies. I had true intentions to attempt to recap my summer, but alas, my excitement lags as I try to go back and recreate the memories. Don't get me wrong, there are awesome memories in there. I'm just not that ambitious today.

However, now that the autumnal season approaches--and my morning sickness abates-- I am feeling a renewal of energies and excitement. There's just something about fall, isn't there? I always get excited the first time I feel that slight crispness in the air and reach out for a thick, furry sweater. I immediately want it to be Halloween and to decorate for Christmas! Yes, simultaneously, ha ha. Oh, oh! And I want to bake and put my house in order, too! Even my nose seeks a change as I find myself seeking out cinnamons, vanillas and spices rather than the strawberries, melons and satsumas of summer. How 'bout you? Do you find the change of seasons invigorating, too, or are you whistful for the summer days gone by so soon?

And now for an abrupt subject change. Thank you.

All seems to be going well with the baby so far. Last week I had a bit of an uncomfortable experience though when I was required by the State of California to submit myself to genetic counseling and an unscheduled ultrasound because, according to "them", my baby is at higher risk (1 in 58) for Downs Syndrome. Um, okay. Upsetting. And then Michael suddenly coudn't go with me to the appointment, so I took my mother-in-law Rosa with me just so I wouldn't have to go it alone.

The genetic counseling part was weird. I was there for Down Syndrome counseling, but the chick (Meredith) got completely side tracked by the rampant breast cancer that runs through my mom's side of the family. She was extremely alarmed and couldn't seem to get back to the Downs Syndrome stuff for more than a couple of minutes at a time. I assured her I fully grasped the severity of the San Andreas fault line sized streak of breast cancer in my family. (Small gripe: I don't know why people always think they need to remind me of it; like I haven't grown up my entire life under the shadow of the thing! Just because I come across as calm does not mean I am not being vigilent about my check ups, etc.)

Okay but back to the Downs Syndrome stuff. So Meredith said that some of my bloodwork numbers came back as a little too high and/or too low and that that can sometimes mean the unborn child is at higher risk for Downs. Great. The only way to know for sure is to do the amniocentesis (sp?), and I was very, very against that. My girlfriend Trisha Rainey had just had one the week before and had a horrendous experience, so that got me running scared. Trisha was put on bed rest for a week after her "amnio" and said she could barely move and felt sick. And she looked really pale and waxy when Mike and I took dinner into her family that week. So yeah, I was scared and Michael was not there to discuss it with him either. Lovely. Meredith did say that I would be offered another chance at the amnio after the ultrasound that followed, so I just signed "No" when she offered it to me. She also stressed that if the baby did have Downs we would most likely be able to tell by several red flags in the ultrasound (i.e., shortened arms and legs, a gap in the spine, brightness in the bowel regions and heart problems).

So next we were off to have the ultrsound performed. Rosa and I were a little bit stoked just because I was 18 weeks along and we were relatively sure we'd be able to determine the baby's gender (and we were right!). Within just a few minutes we had discovered we were totally wrong about one thing though: we were NOT having a baby boy! I was completely and utterly shocked. I had been so sure, ha ha ha!

Back to the ultrasound though. The sonographer (I think that's what they call 'em?), Dana, moved quickly through the list of things to check for: brightness in bowels? Nope. Gap in spine? Nope. Shortened limbs. Nope. Problem with the heart? Hm...not sure. So she called the Doctor (Jadali) in... and he pushed very aggressively... and literally pounded on my belly to make the baby move more and more...and eventually said he thought there might be a small hole in the heart. Thought there might be? Then he said it would most likely close on it's own as the baby continues to develop. Hm. So did I want the amnio, or not?

Back tracking a bit, after the genetic counseling with Meredith I had taken a quick trip to the little chicks room to ensure an empty bladder for the ultrasound. I was really nervous I had made a mistake by signing "no" and I wasn't allowed the time to step out to try to call Michael, so I did the only other thing I could think of: I knelt down on the bathroom floor and said a prayer. I told Heavenly Father I had decided against the amnio. That I really didn't think I needed it, was afraid of it, and could not afford to take the time off from work for the required day or two minimum required bed rest after the procedure. I asked that if I was wrong in my decision he would make it very obvious to me AND to Rosa with strong evidence of Downs in the ultrasound and/or a strong impression from the Holy Ghost.

So back to the question: Yes or no to the amnio? I chose "No" again, and Rosa agreed with me. I felt calm about it and the Dr. said that there were only two reasons I even needed to consider it in the first place: 1. If I would abort the baby if she had Downs (which I would not, for the record), and 2. If I would make myself sick with worry about knowing (which I have not).

For those of you cringing over the decision I made last week, don't worry. I still have two or three weeks to change my mind. I see my OB/GYN (Dr. Galitz) on Sept. 21st and plan to discuss it more at length with him. And pray more about it. I feel so out of my element with all of this, you guys! The thing I wonder about is if I made a rookie mistake just because I didn't know any better. I welcome your thoughts. I felt good about the decision I made last week when I made it, but from time to time go back to ponder over it all. I just wish I had even known the amnio would be discussed and offered to me when I went in last week! I had never even heard of the amnio until Trisha's horror of the week before and had no clue what to expect from the visit to Dr. Jadali's. I try so hard to always educate myself in all areas and I guess my blatant ignorance embarrasses me in this situation.

And here's the real truth: I wish my mama was alive so she could have helped me through this. She would have known what to expect. She would have gone with me. She would know what I needed to hear and even how to say it to me. My mama would have been there for me so I wouldn't have to feel so alone. And I feel sorry for myself even a week later as I sit here typing with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes in my work cubicle.

So that's where things stand for right now. Our baby girl might have a small hole in her heart. Our baby girl might have Downs Syndrome. And I am just here waiting to see how things pan out. My heart tells me everything is going to be okay, and I think that's why I am able to not dwell on it too much. I would really love and appreciate your thoughts and prayers in the meantime though.

Love,

Autumn