Miss you, Mama

Dear Mama,
I've wanted so much to talk to you lately. I know we sometimes go months between the thoughts I send to you as the years stretch between when we were last together. I know that. Truthfully, sometimes you don't feel real to me simply because you've been gone for so long. But really, I do know you're always there even if I don't always send you loving thoughts.

But lately...lately things are suddenly very different. I feel your absence again like a gaping hole I cannot fathom filling. I miss you! I cry again and again to think that you are not here to be with me as I am carrying this baby girl. I just miss you in ways I had convinced myself could no longer apply after almost 19 years apart. I want to be able to call you when the baby kicks me. I want to watch as you place you own hand on my stomach to feel her move, and we both look up to share a priceless moment together. I can imagine how excited you would be at her coming, and the many countless ways you would express that excitement in words and sweet, creative deeds.

Everyone around me is being so great and spoiling me in ways I know you'd appreciate if you were here to discuss them as they happen. I know I am out of line in wanting you to be here, and resenting your absence so much when it was 100% not your wish to leave us in the first place. I'm not angry with you or even with Heavenly Father. I just find myself comparing those around me to you, and it isn't fair to them most of the time.

Mike's mom, Rosa, came with me to that freaky state required dr. appointment last Tuesday, and part of me was very grateful...but part of me wanted you to be there with us, too. It seemed so unfair that she and I could be there and you could not as we waited to see if the baby was a boy or a girl. I mean, I knew you already knew since you kinda have the best seats in the house for things like that right now, but still. And then when the doctor told me there might be a hole in our baby girl's heart...Mama, my heart cried out to you like I was three years old and lost on the playground! WHERE WERE YOU??? What should I do?! Where should I go so I could be with you and feel that comfort that only you as my mama can give?

Here's the thing, Mama. I know what to do when it's only me that has to get through something and survive. But this whole baby thing is a horse of a different color. Selfish, hardened parts of me that usually take over to get me through tough spots just don't cut it now like they always have before. I am weak and uninformed, humbled and scared. I am like a child again; An experience both sweet and bittersweet to my soul. And you know something? Like a child, I want to share both sides of this with you. I want you to kiss my owies and join my in my joys! I want you to tell me that no matter what, everything will be okay. Somehow you saying those words carries more weight than hearing it from someone else.

Mama, I am trying to be good and to turn to the Lord in all these things. Believe me, losing you taught me that lesson long, long ago and it stuck permanently. But sometimes a girl needs her Mama, and so here I am. Still. Forever. Missing You.

Dad and Sheryl sent me the sweetest box of all my old baby clothes the other day. Sure made my day and I ached all over again wishing we could have talked and laughed over the things I used to say and do when I wore all those cute little outfits. Some of the clothes even turned out to be Joseph's and maybe even Hyrum's. I wish you were here to help me know what belongs to whom! I am going to send Joseph's clothes to Mary for safe keeping.

Which reminds me: You sure would love our Mary and Bonnie if you were here, Mama! They are both the sweetest girls and they adore your sons like no other and take care of them so well! There are moments every single time I am with each of them that make me think immediately of you. Sometimes it's something they say, other times it's something they do, but it is consistent and I adore them for it.

I heard a song while I was driving on the way to work today and I decided as the tears began to stream down my cheeks it's gonna be our song for now. You can sing it to me, and I will sing it to you... 'til the sun comes out again for both of us.

As I Lay Me Down

(Sophie B. Hawkins)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qE-1RiIPKAI

It felt like springtime on this February morning

In the courtyard birds were singing your praise

I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright

I carried them with me today, Now

(chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep

This I pray

That you will hold me dear

Though I'm far away

I'll whisper your name into the sky

And I will wake up happy

I wonder why I feel so high

Though I am not above the sorrow

Heavy hearted

Till you call my name

And it sounds like church bells

Or the whistle of a train

On a summer evening

I'll run to meet you

Barefoot barely breathing

(repeat chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

It's not too near for me

Like a flower I need the rain

Though it's not clear to me

Every season has its change

And I will see you

When the sun comes out again

(repeat chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

'til the sun comes out again,

'til the sun comes out again...

I will wake up happy.

I love you, Mama. I know you'd be here with me if you could, and that you are with me in the ways that you can be. I recognize your presence and influence in the kind deeds of those who are around me, loving me. And even though missing you hurts, it also somehow brings you closer to me than you've felt in years, and I take great comfort it our long overdue reconnection. I know the pain of separation will not always feel so strong as it does right now, and eventually I will need to let you slip farther away from me once again. I know that, Mama. It's just kind of nice to have you Home with me right now. Thank you for that. I love you so much.

With all my love forever,

Your Aubey

P.S. If you have any name suggestions for the baby please find a way to get them to me? I hope she has your curly hair!