Things I Want to Remember...

I keep having this sinking feeling that I should have been better chronicling my first pregnancy. And yet, when I pause to reflect on what it is I want to remember, my foggy brain goes *blank*. Lovely. My mind then gently reminds me that if I was journaling daily as I used to, this forgetfulness would no longer really be an issue, as the details of life and pregnancy would naturally flow and be captured in the day's snapshot entry. So true.

I know part of the reason I feel the tug so strongly to journal is that I want Penelope to know about my pregnancy in case I am not around when she gets to have her own babies some day. ( I am not being morbid--I just think this way naturally as a reflex since I have been living this way for so many years, myself.) I cannot tell you how many, many times I have wanted to know something about my own Mama's pregnancies, or about her pregnancy specifically with me, or something about my own birth and not been able to get the answer since she is not here. Here are some things I want to know from my Mama:

• Did you have morning sickness with all four of us? If so, for how long typically? What things helped with the sickness? Were there different things each time, or did the same things seem to help every time?
• Did you carry me differently (higher, lower, wider, etc.) than you carried the boys? Who was the most active? Who gave you the worst morning sickness? Tell me everything!
• Besides your craving for green apples, what else can you tell me about your pregnancy with me? Did you think I was a girl or a boy?
• Who made me the green blanket I loved so much? Was it you?
• Will you tell me the story of my birth from labor to delivery? I remember certain parts of the story, but not like you would.
• Did you ever gain much weight in your pregnancies? The pictures don't seem to show you did, but I'd still like to know. Also, how long did it take to lose the weight usually?
• How quickly were you able to breast feed the first time? What can you tell me about it all?
• This isn't a question, but I'd like to sit and compare my experiences with yours to see if there are any similarities. I would really, really love to be able to do that...Makes me weepy with longing--for reasons I am sure you understand, since you lost your Mama while you were young, too. And ironically, I would also like to talk to you about THAT, too, and cannot.
• Also not a question, but I feel so lost as to how and when things should be getting done in preparation for Penelope's birth. Despite best intentions, it sometimes feels as if no one is helping me the way you just naturally would have, so I am constantly having to ask people for the answers. It can sometimes feel exhausting hunting down all the "To Do's" and sorting through everyone else's opinions to find what I think (but do not know) is the best option. Let's be honest, I don't know anything at all about baby showers, registrations or anything else. I have been reading book after book after book and I feel like I still might fail my "final exam". What would you have told me? Would you be calling me as often as I tell myself you would? Would you be down here to help me get ready? In the throes of feeling sorry for myself, I have made you into some type of "woulda-shoulda-coulda" guardian angel who I am sure would have sailed in to save the day every time I have begun to even slightly panic. I tell myself you would have the words to calm me; the listening ear to hear me patiently (again and again); the wisdom and advice given before it was even required. How true is all of this?
• Do you think I will be a good mother? I know you would say yes, but I still want to hear it and all the reasons you would have for saying so. You were so unfailingly kind AND honest and my heart searches for your specific reassurances even after all these years.

Okay, so that's a tiny portion of the loop of questions playing incessantly in my mind these days. Mix that with pregnancy hormones and solitude and you get the picture of why you're not hearing from me more often--any of you. I don't know where to begin, and I don't want to be overly pitied or preached to, and I don't want to cause pain or worry to those I love, so I just stay quiet. But I am a bit unnerved. And hormonal. Don't forget hormonal, ha ha ha.

The one major blessing I feel though is something I haven't shared publicly, simply because it is so special to me that I have been guarding it almost protectively (if that makes sense). Mike and I were recently called and set apart as temple ordinance workers in the LDS Los Angeles Temple in Santa Monica. We started there about 5-6 weeks ago, and it is the most peaceful, amazing place to be able to go every Tuesday afternoon/evening. It seems like no matter what else is going on, or how many hormones I've got raging, as soon as we step onto the temple grounds my heart is at immediate peace. And I stay at peace the entire time we are there and all the drive home, and even until I collapse into bed to sleep. I have always loved the temple, but I now have such a strong testimony that it truly is God's house. It is, you guys, it IS. Standing in the Celestial Room the other day, I had the strongest impression that I was not alone, and that Grandaddy knew I was there and thinking of him. So often while I am walking in the hallways, I will have friends' or loved ones' names come into my mind, and I will stop and add their names to the prayer roll. Also, being able to hear so often the blessings and promises God has for all of His children--all of US--fills something in my soul that words alone will not, cannot do justice. Tuesdays at the temple are my new favorite thing. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Mike will be serving Tuesday evenings at the temple for the next two years and I will serve until Penelope comes (or most likely right before). If you live in our area, are LDS and have a current temple recommend, please stop by on a Tuesday evening and spend some time in the House of the Lord with us. If you're not LDS, but would like to know more OR you'd simply like to have a festive, specially guided (by yours truly) tour of the beautifully Christmas lit temple grounds and newly renovated Visitor's center, just say the word. I'm your girl. :)

So yes, I am sometimes crazily stressed about baby stuff, but I also have something even stronger and brighter that is helping me be happy and optimistic: God's Love. And that is also something I very much want to remember from this special time in my life. To those of you who make the time to send me texts, emails, Facebook messages and also give gifts of advice, hugs, kisses, baby items and/or a listening ear, you are a big part of what I consider to be the source of God's Love. Reminds me of President Dieter F. Uchdorf's talk about each of us being God's Hands. Click here if you'd like to read it. It's awesome and it's so true.

Merry Christmas everyone! May we all find ways to lift those who are in need during this special Holiday Season, that we might better remember what Christmas is all about.

Love you,

Autumn

Perfectly Imperfect

Life has been so crazy lately! Car changes, fish tank dramas, baby registration boot camp, master bedroom painting storms, trips to flooring companies, laundry overload (every pun intended), last minute jack-o-lanterns and Halloween decorations... You name it, we've stressed it, baby!

And yet, we are doing better than ever. We might go through snippy sections during parts of the stress, but we always come through as a united team in the end. I am learning and remembering how the Lord has told us that he gives us trials to strengthen us and bless us. I am telling you, this is the truth. The absolute truth. NOT that I am lining up at God's doorstep for more necessarily (ha, ha), but just that I see that Mike's and my relationship is growing stronger and closer as we go through these imperfect situations together. And it makes my heart swell with such gratitude. Por que?

Pues, I have been wondering how Mike and I are going to handle having a little sunshine baby 24/7 with all of our imperfections and silly character habits. You know, the same worries every potential parent probably has. Nothing major. Just...yeah. Are we going to go crazy due to lack of sleep and lose patience with each other? Are we both going to freak each other out with wanting everything to be perfect for Nella P? (btw, her name's going to be Penelope Rose, thus the little nickname I tossed out back there. Thought I had better explain before continuing my neorotic monologue, ha ha.) And just silly stuff like that, you know. I haven't lost any sleep over these little thoughts, but they come and go--especially in imperfect times.

Which is why it's been really reassuring to go through such a flurry of stresses lately, so I can see that we do make a good team and will be alright as we approach new (exciting, scary, exhausting, FUN, smelly) things together. If that makes any sense outside of my own head...? Perhaps I've only succeeded in making us sound troubled when I was shooting for "normal", but I hope this all made sense the way it was intended. We may not be perfect, but we are pretty frackin' cool. And yes, I just used the word "frackin'". Bottom line: I love being a part of Team Mulverhill. Such a blessing even through the stressin'.

Okay, and in other news, I have been slacking on doctor appointment details and such. Apologies! Here's the latest:

• I have my 1 hour glucose test this Friday morning (11/5/10) at 8:00 A.M to test for Gestational Diabetes. Will need to begin fasting Thursday at 7 P.M., but can have water up until the test begins. Then I will drink the orange nastiness! Blech! (Why can't it be a crunchy/salty test instead? I am so not a sugar person.) After a bit, they will apparently draw my blood to see if the glucose is being properly processed. Hopefully I will pass this test and have no problems. If I fail it though, I will then have to go back and do a three hour orange nastiness test with more needles, blood drawings... and if I fail again possibly have to take insulin for the remainder of the pregnancy. I doubt I will fail, but at least I know what to expect if I do, which makes it not so freaky to me.
• My 7 month OB/GYN visit is set for Tuesday morning (11/1610) at 11:15 A.M. We'll be going over the glucose test results and I think also discussing my next ultrasound. Again, these visits are usually in the 5 minute long range, so no biggie. I just like to hear the baby's heartbeat each time! Pretty cool stuff! That, and her constant punches and kicks are very entertaining, too. Cracks me up every time! :D
• My last ultrasound showed a perfectly formed heart and the sweetest little face of all time. Penelope has got some big peepers and cute chubby cheeks! The sonographer was particularly impressed with P's railroad track perfect spine and kept going back to look at it and exclaim at how nice it was. We proud parents beamed to hear her praised so! :) Mike was SO CUTE to watch while he watched the baby!!!! You guys, I so love my husband! He is going to be such a good daddy!
• My last OB/GYN test was just fine. Heartbeat was normal, no questions or concerns. Dr. Galitz mentioned that I will soon be moving up to the every two week visits with him instead of the once a month visit.
• I still haven't booked my BRCA appointments! Honestly, I just keep forgetting. Darn this pregnancy fog!!! I will book that soon and report back asap. I am not getting cold feet about getting tested, I promise!

Okay, that's all I can think of for now. Besides, I am out of time! Ha ha!

Loves,

Autumn

Quick Update

I can't begin to chronicle the journeyings-both physical and spiritual-of the past week or two yet. As Legolas says in the Lord of the Rings movies, "I have not the heart to tell you; for me the grief is still too near."

What I can do though is let you know when my next two dr. appointments are:

• I have an ultrasound this Friday, Oct. 15th, at 9:00 A.M. (w/an 8:45 check in). Mike will be joining me for this one and I am very happy about that. Baby is going to be 6 months along as of Sunday, so we are excited to get to see her again at this stage. The only thing I am not particularly thrilled about are the 32 oz. of water I need to drink and hold in for the procedure. But such is life, and really that's no big deal.

• My 6 month OB/GYN check up with Dr. Galitz in on Tuesday, Oct. 19th, at 11:15 A.M. This should be pretty short, and we'll listen to baby's heartbeat and probably discuss Friday's ultrasound and how the baby's heart is looking, etc. So I am looking forward to that as well. I plan to attend this appointment on my own as they are usually only 5 minutes or so long, and Mike would lose about 2 hours of work in travel time and office waiting time to be there. Besides, I kind of enjoy doing some of this stuff on my own. It's just easier. :)

In the meantime, I am just EXHAUSTED. I went to bed last night before 8:30 had even rolled around and man did I need the rest. I haven't felt fatigue like this since the baby was building placenta a couple of months back. It's like hitting a warm wall and thinking, "Hm. I seem to have hit a warm wall. It's so cozy! Maybe I'll just...just...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...."

ha ha ha! I'm serious. I constantly feel the need to nap, even if I've just awoken the moment before. So yeah. Tired.

Baby's kicking me pretty much 24/7. I think she must be going through some kind of growth spurt, too, which would help explain the lack of energy. I also think that my recent trip took its toll on me. My last day up in Idaho I barely moved off of my brother Joseph and sister-in-law Mary's couch. I was spent. When I got home I weighed myself and saw I had actually lost a teensy bit of weight in the week that I'd been Home, but no worries, I am back to normal plus another pound or so nowadays. I'm still not back up to my pre-pregnancy weight, but my dr. says I am gaining just right, so nothing to worry about there either. I am actually very grateful for the lost weight from the morning sickness that is allowing me to stay more slender throughout this whole process. I have always been scared of gaining a lot of weight during pregnancy and not being able to recognize myself by the end. This way I am still able to eat as much as I need and want, but not get too chubby.

Oh, one last thing is an update on the genetic counseling appointment for the breast cancer BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. I called to book my appointment when I got home last week and a nice nurse named Jo is now trying to get me pre-approved for the actual BRCA tests now, too! We briefly discussed my family history and she said it would most likely take her a week or two, but she thought it was worthwhile to try to get everything set up for the same visit to save me time and trips over the hill to Los Angeles. Honestly, I couldn't agree more with her. Please keep this matter in your prayers on my behalf if you would? Genetic counseling is a good step forward, but to be able to be approved for the actual BRCA tests would literally be a dream come true. Especially now that I know I am carrying a daughter in my womb, the intensity of needing to know whether I carry one or both of these genes has gone through the roof. This knowledge will also benefit my neices and my maternal cousins. If I can get tested then it clears the way for each of them to be tested as well, and then they can better plan for their own futures. You get my point, I'm sure. Precaution leads to prevention; knowledge to planning.

More soon.

Love,

Autumn

Waiting

I have to write. I cannot sleep. My heart is full to the spilling out point and I can find no thoughts or words to make it better. My Grandad just had a major stroke and the outlook is grim.

My Cousin Jennifer called me to let me know and it took a minute for it to sink in properly. Then Dad & Sheryl called. Then I went down to tell Michael and I broke down completely. Michael is sicker than a dog right now, but quickly jumped out of bed to hold me while I sobbed. I put Mike back to bed and came back upstairs to call my brother Hyrum. Then my brother Miles and his wife Bonnie called Hyrum, too. Then I called my in-laws, Rosa and Pete, and lost it all over again. And then...and then there was nothing to do but begin waiting.

It feels like this ache in my chest will not allow me to take full breaths. And it isn't even that I am shocked by all of this so much as I so determinedly do not want it to happen. Grandad has been there my whole life. He's my other Daddy. My Grandaddy. He's never once judged me in my whole entire flawed life. He used to write me letters when I first moved away to California. I used to sit in his office window at the radio station and eat a Snickers bar while I waited for him to get off work. Then we'd walk home to my house together, too. The time I hit the kitten when I was driving in the car a couple of years ago, he pulled me into his lap and let me cry while he smoothed my hair and told me he understood. He's just always been there. Always. And I knew he was getting ready to leave when he kept telling me (and everyone else) that he was holding on for last month's family reunion, but I didn't let myself truly believe it. And now here I am waiting and waiting...to say a goodbye my heart refuses to admit necessary.

Please Heavenly Father, help me stop being so selfish and let him go. I know I have been indulged for almost 33 years of having him always be there. And you're right, he's tired and worthy to move onto something more. I just don't want to let him go. I love him so much and so does every living soul who has ever met him. I worry for my Aunts and Uncles and my Dad to have to loose their Papa. And my Gran. My grandparents have always been this perfectly matching set. My heart breaks when I think of their loss compared to my own. I again realize I am being selfish and thinking too much of myself in the wake of his loss. But I still can't help it, and I continue to weep as I wait.

And I continue to feel thanks for the amazing person the Lord allowed me to have as my Grandaddy. I have never met another person like him, but because of him I know what goodness is possible in human beings. And I continue to seek those traits in those I meet and know.

I know my Mama is waiting to greet him, as are his parents and his brother Herman and his baby son Joel...and all the many, many, many relatives for whom he so faithfully and happily traced their geneology, and for whom he made possible and/or performed the sacred temple ordinances. He is gonna be just as popular in Heaven as he ever was here, now that I think of it. And that is how it should be.

I need to be better. To do better. I want to spend eternity with my family members, and especially be able to never be parted from my Grandaddy again. And so I need to be not just good but valiant and anxiously engaged in a good cause. I realize I have been skating by on good for a long time now and not really straining to better myself. This is a wake up call like no other.

Oh Grandad, Grandad, Grandad! Even in all my tears and stubbornness I have to admit to feeling the peace of the Spirit. I do feel it, and I think that's half the reason I am crying so hard! And I want to tell you thank you for making it possible for me to even know what the Spirit IS. If you and Gran hadn't joined the Church all those years ago we wouldn't be the family we are today. And what an amazing family we have become under your guys' guidance. I love that I know who all my cousins are, and have more of a brother and sister relationship with them than of cousins. I love knowing their kids' names and personalities, too. I love most of all that each of them carry pieces of you and Gran in them, too. You taught us well what "Family" means and we will NOT forget it. We love being your family members with all that that entails and blesses.

I know you are leaving us, Grandad. But I know we are not really losing you just because we can no longer climb into your lap or give each other kisses goodnight or enjoy a bowl of ice cream together...it's just that I am going to miss you so much!!!! We all will.

I love you forever and ever and I will always be "your girl", your "water nazi" and one of your many "secret favorites". Don't give up on me. I won't let you down. We'll see each other again when it's time. I would have liked to have you hold our little baby girl before you had to go, but maybe you'll get to squeeze her and love her before we meet her now. I don't know how those things work exactly, but I like the idea of it a lot.

I guess what I am trying to muster up the courage to say is "Goodbye, Grandaddy". Thank you for always making me feel so full of worth and splendor. I cherish you and our memories we were always making together. This isn't everything I want to say, but it's a good start while I wait... I carry you in my heart until we can be together again. I love you so much, Grandad!

Love,

Your Aubie

Whims of Change

So many things are changing right now. And yet, so many things remain the same. Wow, that is such a generic beginning there might not be hope for this posting. Let's try again: I guess I am getting hyper-analytical over how much my life is about to change, and how everyone and their dogs are telling me the changes are unfathomable until they come. "There's no way to prepare so don't bother. Just know your life will never be the same." That kind of stuff. And most of it is spoken with the intent of stressing that it will for the majority be the best change ever. That part is cool. It's just that I am afraid I am going to lose myself in this process of having a baby, and as narcissistic as it sounds, I like myself and do not want to be parted from said self!

I heard a long, long, looooong time ago that unless you enjoy your own company you will never be able to truly enjoy the company of others. That statement really struck home to me and I decided, as an innate philanthropist, to give myself permission to learn to like myself in non-egotistical ways to be better company to those I love. Now, I'm not saying my balance between ego and self-liking has always been in balance/proportion to what my goals have been, but for the most part, well, I have been happy with myself. There are still millions of things I would like to fine tune and improve, but I have developed enough respect and honor for myself to be able to say I truly like myself and enjoy my "me" time.

Aha! And that is where I know you parents out there are probably chuckling and shaking your heads a bit at me. " 'Me Time', what is THAT?" you might be thinking with an audible sigh. Or "Pshaw! Get ready for a major wake up call." Right? Right. And I get that--as much as I can before the baby gets here, of course. It's just hard to embrace such a total change! More and more I am having these little lightbulbs go off in my pregnancy fogged brain and they are most startling indeed! ha ha. Here are a few for your laughing pleasure (and mine for future naivete referencing):

• GASP! We can go to the Harry Potter movie in November, no problem. But **double gasp** we will need a BABYSITTER for the last HP movie next summer! Oh my living HEART! (Being the responsible future parent that I am though, I booked a sitter this past Wednesday to cover me on opening HP night in July 2011. Phew! What a load off my mind that is!)
• Numbers on the scale going up week by week is a GOOD THING....? Um...yeah?
• Clothing sizes increasing is NORMAL and to be encouraged. No further comment at this time...
• Sleep will become a LUXURY. Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy!!!! *sniff* *sniff*
• I no longer need to constantly try to suck my stomach in for healthy back support because it is now impossible to do it. I can't. At. All. But hilariously enough I keep feeling myself try to anyway! What a dork, huh? ha ha ha!
• It may be a very long time before I again finish a book or series of books. This is a bone chilling concept for me, the bookworm girl.
• I will completely lose track of everything going on on Facebook and blogs with all of you...and will have no time/energy to back track and catch up!
• Mike and I will never be just the two of us again! If we want to go out of town...yeah...or to the movies...or grocery store at midnight...yeah...not going to happen like it used to!
• Next year I will need a Halloween costume for an 8 month old! WOAH!!!!! Weirdness!

Okay, okay so you're getting the gist, right? I think the whole Harry Potter thing was the first jolt (dare I say lightening bolt? ha ha ha) to my brain, and they're beginning to come more and more often now...at least to me. I don't think Michael really has a clue yet, poor guy. ;)

So love us in our cluelessness, wish us luck, and be sure to tell us what other things we can anticipate changing (besides diapers, of course).

Love,
Auty

Miss you, Mama

Dear Mama,
I've wanted so much to talk to you lately. I know we sometimes go months between the thoughts I send to you as the years stretch between when we were last together. I know that. Truthfully, sometimes you don't feel real to me simply because you've been gone for so long. But really, I do know you're always there even if I don't always send you loving thoughts.

But lately...lately things are suddenly very different. I feel your absence again like a gaping hole I cannot fathom filling. I miss you! I cry again and again to think that you are not here to be with me as I am carrying this baby girl. I just miss you in ways I had convinced myself could no longer apply after almost 19 years apart. I want to be able to call you when the baby kicks me. I want to watch as you place you own hand on my stomach to feel her move, and we both look up to share a priceless moment together. I can imagine how excited you would be at her coming, and the many countless ways you would express that excitement in words and sweet, creative deeds.

Everyone around me is being so great and spoiling me in ways I know you'd appreciate if you were here to discuss them as they happen. I know I am out of line in wanting you to be here, and resenting your absence so much when it was 100% not your wish to leave us in the first place. I'm not angry with you or even with Heavenly Father. I just find myself comparing those around me to you, and it isn't fair to them most of the time.

Mike's mom, Rosa, came with me to that freaky state required dr. appointment last Tuesday, and part of me was very grateful...but part of me wanted you to be there with us, too. It seemed so unfair that she and I could be there and you could not as we waited to see if the baby was a boy or a girl. I mean, I knew you already knew since you kinda have the best seats in the house for things like that right now, but still. And then when the doctor told me there might be a hole in our baby girl's heart...Mama, my heart cried out to you like I was three years old and lost on the playground! WHERE WERE YOU??? What should I do?! Where should I go so I could be with you and feel that comfort that only you as my mama can give?

Here's the thing, Mama. I know what to do when it's only me that has to get through something and survive. But this whole baby thing is a horse of a different color. Selfish, hardened parts of me that usually take over to get me through tough spots just don't cut it now like they always have before. I am weak and uninformed, humbled and scared. I am like a child again; An experience both sweet and bittersweet to my soul. And you know something? Like a child, I want to share both sides of this with you. I want you to kiss my owies and join my in my joys! I want you to tell me that no matter what, everything will be okay. Somehow you saying those words carries more weight than hearing it from someone else.

Mama, I am trying to be good and to turn to the Lord in all these things. Believe me, losing you taught me that lesson long, long ago and it stuck permanently. But sometimes a girl needs her Mama, and so here I am. Still. Forever. Missing You.

Dad and Sheryl sent me the sweetest box of all my old baby clothes the other day. Sure made my day and I ached all over again wishing we could have talked and laughed over the things I used to say and do when I wore all those cute little outfits. Some of the clothes even turned out to be Joseph's and maybe even Hyrum's. I wish you were here to help me know what belongs to whom! I am going to send Joseph's clothes to Mary for safe keeping.

Which reminds me: You sure would love our Mary and Bonnie if you were here, Mama! They are both the sweetest girls and they adore your sons like no other and take care of them so well! There are moments every single time I am with each of them that make me think immediately of you. Sometimes it's something they say, other times it's something they do, but it is consistent and I adore them for it.

I heard a song while I was driving on the way to work today and I decided as the tears began to stream down my cheeks it's gonna be our song for now. You can sing it to me, and I will sing it to you... 'til the sun comes out again for both of us.

As I Lay Me Down

(Sophie B. Hawkins)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qE-1RiIPKAI

It felt like springtime on this February morning

In the courtyard birds were singing your praise

I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright

I carried them with me today, Now

(chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep

This I pray

That you will hold me dear

Though I'm far away

I'll whisper your name into the sky

And I will wake up happy

I wonder why I feel so high

Though I am not above the sorrow

Heavy hearted

Till you call my name

And it sounds like church bells

Or the whistle of a train

On a summer evening

I'll run to meet you

Barefoot barely breathing

(repeat chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

It's not too near for me

Like a flower I need the rain

Though it's not clear to me

Every season has its change

And I will see you

When the sun comes out again

(repeat chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

'til the sun comes out again,

'til the sun comes out again...

I will wake up happy.

I love you, Mama. I know you'd be here with me if you could, and that you are with me in the ways that you can be. I recognize your presence and influence in the kind deeds of those who are around me, loving me. And even though missing you hurts, it also somehow brings you closer to me than you've felt in years, and I take great comfort it our long overdue reconnection. I know the pain of separation will not always feel so strong as it does right now, and eventually I will need to let you slip farther away from me once again. I know that, Mama. It's just kind of nice to have you Home with me right now. Thank you for that. I love you so much.

With all my love forever,

Your Aubey

P.S. If you have any name suggestions for the baby please find a way to get them to me? I hope she has your curly hair!

Seasonal Mood Swings and Things

Okay, so the summer is all but over and I have been pretty much silent (and sick) through it all. Apologies, apologies. I had true intentions to attempt to recap my summer, but alas, my excitement lags as I try to go back and recreate the memories. Don't get me wrong, there are awesome memories in there. I'm just not that ambitious today.

However, now that the autumnal season approaches--and my morning sickness abates-- I am feeling a renewal of energies and excitement. There's just something about fall, isn't there? I always get excited the first time I feel that slight crispness in the air and reach out for a thick, furry sweater. I immediately want it to be Halloween and to decorate for Christmas! Yes, simultaneously, ha ha. Oh, oh! And I want to bake and put my house in order, too! Even my nose seeks a change as I find myself seeking out cinnamons, vanillas and spices rather than the strawberries, melons and satsumas of summer. How 'bout you? Do you find the change of seasons invigorating, too, or are you whistful for the summer days gone by so soon?

And now for an abrupt subject change. Thank you.

All seems to be going well with the baby so far. Last week I had a bit of an uncomfortable experience though when I was required by the State of California to submit myself to genetic counseling and an unscheduled ultrasound because, according to "them", my baby is at higher risk (1 in 58) for Downs Syndrome. Um, okay. Upsetting. And then Michael suddenly coudn't go with me to the appointment, so I took my mother-in-law Rosa with me just so I wouldn't have to go it alone.

The genetic counseling part was weird. I was there for Down Syndrome counseling, but the chick (Meredith) got completely side tracked by the rampant breast cancer that runs through my mom's side of the family. She was extremely alarmed and couldn't seem to get back to the Downs Syndrome stuff for more than a couple of minutes at a time. I assured her I fully grasped the severity of the San Andreas fault line sized streak of breast cancer in my family. (Small gripe: I don't know why people always think they need to remind me of it; like I haven't grown up my entire life under the shadow of the thing! Just because I come across as calm does not mean I am not being vigilent about my check ups, etc.)

Okay but back to the Downs Syndrome stuff. So Meredith said that some of my bloodwork numbers came back as a little too high and/or too low and that that can sometimes mean the unborn child is at higher risk for Downs. Great. The only way to know for sure is to do the amniocentesis (sp?), and I was very, very against that. My girlfriend Trisha Rainey had just had one the week before and had a horrendous experience, so that got me running scared. Trisha was put on bed rest for a week after her "amnio" and said she could barely move and felt sick. And she looked really pale and waxy when Mike and I took dinner into her family that week. So yeah, I was scared and Michael was not there to discuss it with him either. Lovely. Meredith did say that I would be offered another chance at the amnio after the ultrasound that followed, so I just signed "No" when she offered it to me. She also stressed that if the baby did have Downs we would most likely be able to tell by several red flags in the ultrasound (i.e., shortened arms and legs, a gap in the spine, brightness in the bowel regions and heart problems).

So next we were off to have the ultrsound performed. Rosa and I were a little bit stoked just because I was 18 weeks along and we were relatively sure we'd be able to determine the baby's gender (and we were right!). Within just a few minutes we had discovered we were totally wrong about one thing though: we were NOT having a baby boy! I was completely and utterly shocked. I had been so sure, ha ha ha!

Back to the ultrasound though. The sonographer (I think that's what they call 'em?), Dana, moved quickly through the list of things to check for: brightness in bowels? Nope. Gap in spine? Nope. Shortened limbs. Nope. Problem with the heart? Hm...not sure. So she called the Doctor (Jadali) in... and he pushed very aggressively... and literally pounded on my belly to make the baby move more and more...and eventually said he thought there might be a small hole in the heart. Thought there might be? Then he said it would most likely close on it's own as the baby continues to develop. Hm. So did I want the amnio, or not?

Back tracking a bit, after the genetic counseling with Meredith I had taken a quick trip to the little chicks room to ensure an empty bladder for the ultrasound. I was really nervous I had made a mistake by signing "no" and I wasn't allowed the time to step out to try to call Michael, so I did the only other thing I could think of: I knelt down on the bathroom floor and said a prayer. I told Heavenly Father I had decided against the amnio. That I really didn't think I needed it, was afraid of it, and could not afford to take the time off from work for the required day or two minimum required bed rest after the procedure. I asked that if I was wrong in my decision he would make it very obvious to me AND to Rosa with strong evidence of Downs in the ultrasound and/or a strong impression from the Holy Ghost.

So back to the question: Yes or no to the amnio? I chose "No" again, and Rosa agreed with me. I felt calm about it and the Dr. said that there were only two reasons I even needed to consider it in the first place: 1. If I would abort the baby if she had Downs (which I would not, for the record), and 2. If I would make myself sick with worry about knowing (which I have not).

For those of you cringing over the decision I made last week, don't worry. I still have two or three weeks to change my mind. I see my OB/GYN (Dr. Galitz) on Sept. 21st and plan to discuss it more at length with him. And pray more about it. I feel so out of my element with all of this, you guys! The thing I wonder about is if I made a rookie mistake just because I didn't know any better. I welcome your thoughts. I felt good about the decision I made last week when I made it, but from time to time go back to ponder over it all. I just wish I had even known the amnio would be discussed and offered to me when I went in last week! I had never even heard of the amnio until Trisha's horror of the week before and had no clue what to expect from the visit to Dr. Jadali's. I try so hard to always educate myself in all areas and I guess my blatant ignorance embarrasses me in this situation.

And here's the real truth: I wish my mama was alive so she could have helped me through this. She would have known what to expect. She would have gone with me. She would know what I needed to hear and even how to say it to me. My mama would have been there for me so I wouldn't have to feel so alone. And I feel sorry for myself even a week later as I sit here typing with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes in my work cubicle.

So that's where things stand for right now. Our baby girl might have a small hole in her heart. Our baby girl might have Downs Syndrome. And I am just here waiting to see how things pan out. My heart tells me everything is going to be okay, and I think that's why I am able to not dwell on it too much. I would really love and appreciate your thoughts and prayers in the meantime though.

Love,

Autumn

In a Constant State of Philately

Some time back, I mentioned that I had been meaning to be more open and forthcoming in my writings. And it is that vein of honesty that I approach the delicate subject of my Philately.

Philately (pronounced: fuh-LAH-tuh-lee) actually runs in my family, but not rampantly. I inherited it directly through my paternal Gran and her mother before her. I've even heard that my Cousin Dave is also afflicted, but have yet to confirm this as certain. Obviously I am curious to see whether the condition will be inherited by my unborn child, but only time will tell. It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I even realized I had indeed inherited the characteristic tendencies. What are the symptoms you may well ask? Hm. It's difficult to say, as they can be both acute or of a more latent and/or casual strain, but here are some of mine:

• Squinting
• Peeling
• Hording
• Acute Attention to Details
• Occasional Licking
• Incessant Searching
• Strong Instincts Toward Preservation

Bottom line? I'm a stamp collector, guys. That's right! Ha ha! I am constantly on the outlook for a good stamp whether at home or at work. And my office position allows me access to occasional international stamps, too, which I am always swift to acquire. Pretty great stuff.

As I mentioned before, I inherited my stamp collecting tendencies from my Gran Haeberle who got me started a few years ago. She has since sent me magazines and even a book to help my symptoms sink in as deep as possible. I treasure this hobby as a link to my Gran and her mother, my Nana Templin.

In my pursuits of acquisition I have had to keep my eyes open in the most unlikely of places. A keen example is the time I went to the annual insect fair at the LA County Museum of Natural History. Obviously I was there to buy copious amounts of dead and pinned insects for my other well-known hobby and collection. But, Lo! Suddenly looming before me was a gentleman selling collections of insect stamps!! Hell-o?! How could I resist? Well, I couldn't, so now I've got a lovely and rather exotic little display of insect stamps from the following countries: Spain, Mongolia, Germany, Mali, (former) Czechoslovakia, Congo, Belgium, and a few that appear to be in an Asian language and also a few in Russian. Pretty great right? I keep them displayed on my bedroom bookshelf, and I always smile when I stop to think of the randomness that aligned to help me purchase them.

Another fun time for Philately and me came a couple of years ago when the U.S. Postal Service introduced the Forever stamp. No doubt you've heard all about it, but just in case this is your introduction into the subject as a whole, here's the 411 on what makes these stamps so COOL. Forever stamps will always (ALWAYS-- as in "forever", eh?!) match the value of whatever 1st class stamp is in existence. Isn't that awesome?! So let's say that I want to mail a letter in 25 years and all I have is a Forever stamp. Ding! Ding! Ding! I am good to go! Even if my future grandchildren want to use them, they will also be good to go. LOVE IT. So I've got a booklet of them stashed away as a part of my ever-growing collection, of course. And while it is true that most often a post marked stamp is the more valuable, in this instance I feel great about just leaving them blank and intact in their original little book. Click here to see what it looks like. I bet you've seen it! And you thought you were immune to Philately! Ha!

Alright, so now you not only know what Philately is, but also that I suffer from it off my own free will. *grin* And actually, I can't help but acknowledge my other Haeberle relatives, specifically my Dad, as well in the line up of those who gave me this "tendency". My Dad is an AWESOME Historian, and has ever instilled the love of past peoples and items within me. I grew up in an environment filled to the max with learners and collectors who were always enthusiastic to share their thoughts, collections and experiences with me. I treasure my family! (But that is a whole 'nuther post!)

So let me know what you think! Are you horrified? Do you want to learn more? Was this the most non sequitur posting of all time? Are you bored stiff? Do you have lots of stamps to send my wee little way? Let me know! 'Cus I'm in a constant state of Philately and ready to go!

Love,

Autumn

Prego, yo!

Yes, I am pregnant.

Yes, this is awesome.

YES, I am totally SICK!

Oy.

I am truly going to make the effort to keep everyone posted on how things are going for my pregnancy. Just know that it depends on how I am feeling day by day for the time being.

In the meantime, I would like you to know that my first prenatal visit with my doctor is set for next Thursday, July 8th at 2:45. Michael will be joining me, so that is pretty cool and helps me feel less anxious, since he doesn't have that much of a clue either. And yes, our joint ignorance crazily enough does bring me joy. Don't get me wrong, I've read aaaaaaallllll about "what to expect" and all that jazz, but it's still my/our first visit, so kind of freaky cool. Makes this whole pregnancy thing suddenly very real. Or at least as real as my round the clock nausea.

And for those who really, really want to know how it's going with all that lovely nausea, I will break it down for you. I feel sick pretty much 24/7. BUT, I have only vomited about 2-3 times so far, and honestly, felt better after such. The only times I get to the Puking Point ("PP") is if I go too long without eating. So now that I'm sly to that little nugget of knowledge, I rarely get to that point. I have lost a little weight, but nothing at all alarming, and I am sure I will make up for that in the coming months. I am also able to sip a 16 oz. Jamba Juice (w/protein boost) every afternoon and that helps me be able to eat dinner later. So I am definitely eating small meals, and just more so in the second half of the day. Things I seem to tolerate well so far: cheese and strawberry stuffs. Separately though, of course. I am not at all into cravings yet--just aversions. >sigh<>

Other random things to share:

• Yes, we do plan to find out the baby's gender. :) Not even a question there.
• Baby is due approximately mid-February. Dr. should be giving us an official due date at the appt. next week, so stay tuned, my friends and family!
• I love unsolicited prego advice--about morning sickness, delivery, etc. What I don't like are the random horror stories some people feel the "need" or "responsibility" to share. Don't get me wrong, we'll still be friends if you tell me something whacky-scary, but I won't like it very much. If there is a purpose to the freaky story, sure, but if it's just something random and exhilerating you like to share...yeah, maybe let it pass. Remember, I have always been melodramtic enough, and we've now added high doses of hormones...
• We are leaning toward family names for the baby. So be forewarned! :D
• The nursery is most likely going to be pale green. Mike's idea, and I like that it can be touted towards both guy and gal fatties by adding some accent colors.
• We have been crib shopping and think we have picked one out. Will post picks as soon as we finalize.
• Yes, I am taking prenatal vites and have been for a couple of weeks now. I take them right before I go to bed to make sure they don't make me feel worse.
• As of this writing I am about 7.5 weeks along on my journey. It's crazy and I am very happy and feel blessed every minute--even despite the nausea. Still content and pluggin' along.
• We do plan to start a gift registry, so as soon as I am feeling well again, I will get that information out to all who are interested. Please feel free to make suggestions as to what you think we'll need/want the most. Remember: we are basically clueless, bless our hearts. :)

So I'm biased, but I think that's a pretty great start for now. Let me know if I missed anything, and I will plan to include it in my next post. I love you guys, and I am so thankful for each of you in my life. I have to admit to having felt a little sad from time to time that my mom isn't here with me to check on me and talk to me. The Lord has blessed me though with such a strong and sincere group of my family and friends. Not a day goes by that one or more of you doesn't check in on me. I thank you for the part you are playing in my life right now. I hope I can show my gratitude more as I begin to feel better!

All my love,

Autumn

Feminine Fabulosity: The Flower Duet

There is something so delicate and lovely about spring blossoms and flowers, isn't there? They massage my soul's eyes and start my heart to singing. Do you know what I mean?

I don't know if you're like me, and the Music is in you? For me, Music can paralyze me with its sweetness. Music can propel me into action. Music can (and frequently does!) melt me into a completely different--and better--person. I believe this to be due to the fact that Music is literally part of my genetic makeup. My sweets, I assure you I have never been more serious.

Because the Music is in me, I feel certain melodies, certain songs can influence me to embrace my feminity more than possibly any other venue can. "The Flower Duet" from the 1883 opera "Lakme" by French composer Leo Delibes is one such piece of music. Not only is it lovely in and of itself with its interweaving soprano and alto parts, it literally changes me as I soak it into my soul. And you know what else? Whether you recognise the title or not, I bet you've already heard it and loved it!

So, without further ado, please click here and take a delicious taste, won't you? And let me know what you think when you get back! Are there songs that bring out your inner feminine fabulosity? I hope you will please share them if there are!

Love,

Autumn

Feminine Fabulosity: Some Favorite "Elle" Words

For years I have been intrigued by the store front of a certain building adjacent to the 405 North freeway entrance (which takes me home from the LA LDS Temple). It is a white building with green trim and a lovely set of steps leading up to the front door. I've never seen anyone go in or out of it which, to me, has given it an aire similar to what Charley Bucket must have felt towards Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory. On the building are the words "Louise Green Millinery Co." and just the word millinery fills my sentimental, old fashioned heart with awe. When was the last time someone you know spoke the word millinery? So cool!

Okay, so after years and years of passing Louise Green Millinery Co., I finally remembered to write the name down in my little red pocket book a few weeks ago so I could Google it. And the results? Totally awesome, if way out of my current budget and social setting! *wink* Check these little wonders out, will you? They take me to a place where you might here Miss Eliza Dolittle holler, "C'mon Dover! Move your bloomin' a**!" if you get my meaning. In a classic case of champagne taste meets rootbeer budget, here is a nibble of some of their sumptuous, tantalizing hats:

Cascading ribbons...

..and feather brimmed cloches?!

Didn't know you NEEDED a hat before, did you? Ha ha! Only problem (outside of budgeting of course) is obtaining an event to warrant such frosting in the first place. You know what I mean, chilli beans? Ah well. Oh! Before I forget, I also came across a recent article written about Louise Green Millinery Co., and have attached it here . Even if you don't read the article, be sure to scroll to the bottom for several of the most fabulous hats I have ever seen. FABULOUS, people, FAB.U.LOUS. I would love to hear what you think of all of these hats, so let me know!

And now for my other find of the month, from a hippy-ish company called "Lavender Girl" . While browsing a shop called Beauty Clinic (in Calabasas, near where I work), I stumbled across this little beauty of a hair clip:

And here's what it looks like in your hair (if you are standing there looking "nekkid"):

Isn't it lovely? I particularly like the wispy little curled feathers. Reminds me a little of the birds' feathers in the Dr. Seuss story when the birds kept vying for the most amazing tail feathers--just on a very small scale, of course. Now I am just trying to figure out where one could where something like this (while wearing lots of clothes, of course. What is UP with the nekkid looking models these days?!?!). What do you think? Where would you go wearing something like this? Would you pair it down with jeans and a cardigan? Or would you wear it with something sleek and sexy? Would you buy it only to have it sit collecting dust in your jewelry box (which is what I am afraid would be my case...)? Tell me your thoughts!

Thank you for joining me for this month's "Feminine Fabulosity"! I will see what I can come up with for the ides of March. :) If there is anything wonderfully feminine you've found recently you think deserves to be highlighted (whether fashion, or literature, or music, etc.), I hope you will send me the details so we can get the word out and spread the sweetness. 'Cus let's face it, sometimes it is just fun to be GIRLY! And lately I feel true feminity is harder and harder to find amidst all the "sexy, sexy, sexy" everywhere. Let's work together to bring the good stuff back and make it easier to find.

Love,

Autumn

"De Nile" Ain't Just a River

You've probably noticed my lack of talking lately. It's been a kind of rough time since a little before Christmas. And yet, it's also been a time of great blessings and a LOT of love, too. I guess I've just had weighty things on my little ol' mind. I've been carrying the dead weight of sadness in my heart as I've been going about being my "normal" self, which is something I can totally do and not be fake. I can just do it. I've had some practice in Life, ya know? So I'm now going to breach those subjects that have been in my heart and hopefully set my heart free to get back to being the more perky me. I am not talking about these things because I want pity or hand holding, but rather to be better understood. I am very strong, and I work constantly to remain so. However, I do manage to bottle things up unintentionally for too long a stretch, and this is me working on getting better at not doing that. I need to be more Honest, and part of me doing that means allowing others more into my heart, my mind, and my Life.

So #1. Mike's longest and best friend , Tim Sandor, committed suicide in December. It was awful. It was SO awful. I am not going to get into specifics of how or why, but suffice it to say none of us were expecting it and he was a beautiful, sweet, talented and successful man. Tim left behind a little 12 yr. old son (named Michael, after my husband), a devestated mother, sisters, step father, girlfriend and many, many friends. As if the loss of Tim wasn't sad enough, family members and loved ones almost immediately began vying for his belongings. We saw selfishness like you would not believe, and we tried to step in to make sure Tim's mother Snow especially would not get shut out, but our efforts failed and after praying and taking counsel with Pete & Rosa (Mike's parents) we politely withdrew. We stayed withdrawn until January 30, when we attended the spreading of Tim's ashes down in the Port of Los Angeles area. Watching Tim's ashes be spread and dumped into the ocean was one of the hardest things I have been through in a very, very long time. I realized by going through this experience that I do not approve of cremation and that I do value having one spot to go to in order to pay homage to the deceased. As Tim's ashes floated out into the sea and began to dissipate, we tossed roses and rose petals to make the journey with them/him. I kissed my roses and tossed them into the water, already moist from my tears. Tim had been a Navy Seal, and before we left his girlfriend said she wished she could see a dolphin to know Tim was there with us. I bowed my head and said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father asking for dolphins to come to us if there were any in the area. Nothing but sea lions and masses of pelicans and seagulls were around though. The boat made a wide circle around Tim's ashes and the roses, and we started back to port. The birds and sea lions followed us the entire way, which was really kind of special to me. I hoped that would be enough to lighten Tim's girlfriends heart. It seemed to help. Then she turned away to bury her face in her father's shoulder and Mike saw them. They were leaping and they were following the boat. They were a small school of dolphins and a large answer to prayers for wounded hearts. I called over the boat's engine noise to Tim's girlfriend that there were dolphins! She beamed and said she knew Tim was there, she just knew it. And my heart mended just a little bit. The denial Mike and I had both felt over the entire mess began to melt away. In a year's time, Michael will go to the temple to perform the needed work for his best friend Tim, and all will be set right for Tim, and hopefully for Michael and the rest of us, too. Even in darkness there can still be light found if we will but ask and seek.

And #2: I am in denial over my Dad's diagnosis of Alzheimers. Total denial. I have been holding this inside for quite some time so as not to cause stress in the family. Holding it inside is only causing me to have stress cankers in my mind and heart though. I just don't believe it and I am not going to hide my disbelief any longer. I will not. Hiding the way I really feel is not honest and not healthy. Does this mean I do not support my father? Of course not! I truly will always be there for my Dad no matter what. Truly. But I do not swallow all of this Alzheimer's crap. And to me it really is crap. And I know this will sound offensive, but I don't care what anyone says to me about it to try to change my mind. Hey man, they don't call in denial for nothing. And yes, it is a choice I am actively making every day. Does this have to do with the paralyzing feeling of losing the only parent I have left? Very probably in some respects, and unless you are standing in my shoes, and have lost a parent--one of the two people in your life who will always love you no matter what, and have known you since you were born, and believe in you more than you could ever believe in yourself--well then, you just do not understand this at all. And yet, even with all of THAT, (and I have given this more thought than you will ever, ever know), that still doesn't explain everything that makes this whole diagnosis unbelievable to me. And there are many, many things that I feel and think that if I was to say out loud even to most of my family members would ricochet around and hurt people. So I am exercising some needed caution in even admitting my denial at all. It is not right to explode my denial all over everyone without thinking of how it will effect everyone. I get that, I do. And yes, I have been praying and researching, and all the things I am sure you're going to want to suggest for me to do. But you guys, I just DO NOT believe it. And you can't make me, as silly and childish as I know that statement to be. So do not call me to talk to me about this. No one ever calls me anyway, so this would be a bad point to start calling me just to try to change my mind on this matter. If you cared about calling me before and talking to me, it would be okay to continue calling me. But since no one has called me before, this is not the right place to begin. If you call me, call me because you love me and want a relationship with me. NOT because my denial makes you uncomfortable.

Okay, that's probably enough ugly for one post. I only wish I hadn't allowed this to fester so much that it became this way. I'm sorry. I really am working on learning to be more honest and also to do it in correct and loving ways, but I have a long, long way to go. Please continue to be patient with me. Again, my intent is not to hurt or be selfish. I just want to be able to be real with myself. If I have offended you, please forgive me. I hope to do better by you in the future.

Love,

Autumn

For Michael, With Love on Valentine's Day

When I think of Love, there is a face

And when I think of Love, there is a name.

When I think of Love, there are certain memories

And certain smiles, and certain eyes.

For when I think of anything about you,

Love is all I feel.

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweetheart.

I love you so dearly with all my heart.

Love,

Your Aubala