Beginning Signs of Life

I honestly haven’t looked to see exactly how long it’s been since my last posting, but I think it’s been about two weeks? I have used the ache in me, the encouragement of my family, and the prayers of a dear friend to whom I had confided, and made some progress. My flame is sadly still out. However, I have gone from just basic watering and the bare minimum of ‘Keeping Things Alive’ most days to the next chapter of ‘Going for Blooms’. And I have felt the slightest tickle of a spark. Some of these roses are astoundingly resilient! Like, one week of semi-decent watering, and they are already budding and some have even actually bloomed. (And yes, Martha Stewart is one of them, ha ha! You knew she would be, right?)

There is also something quietly yet brightly beautiful happening in my front garden. Suddenly tons of things I planted years ago have popped up to bloom at the exact same time. Bright red ‘Hot Lips’ salvia, explosive yellow goldenrod, the warm half rainbow of lantana, little frothy pink heads of Valerian, velvety purple sage spikes and the ultraviolet glow of Verbena bonariensis are suddenly blooming in incredible harmonic resplendence! You guys, IT IS SO PRETTYYYYY!

And if you know me at all, you know it is giving me all sorts of analogies about good seeds, strong roots, and all sorts of other things. What else have I metaphorically planted within myself? Specifically, what drought tolerant things did I previously sew and nurture that can now, true to their nature, bloom unaided by me? And what else can I plant? And did you know that roses are considered to be drought tolerant when they are planted in the ground? (I did, obvs, but did you? Pretty cool, right?)

Yes, some of these roses are also beginning to bloom again. Each bloom makes me feel like crying. They are so pretty! I hope I can get my mojo back. I hope I can continue to move forward a little each day.

Roses blooming: 1-2 Julie Andrews, 3 Sexy Rexy, 4 Pat Austin, 5-6 Molineaux, 7 Violet’s Pride, 8 Snow Goose, 9 Le Petite Prince, 10 Plum Perfect.

On Saturday morning, I went outside and while listening to a two hour church conference, reclaimed a horribly weedy and overgrown space by our front door. It felt so good to do it! And it was very easy to do! And now every single time I come or go, my mind is pleased with the cleanliness and order of it all. *WIN* *tiny spark of joy*

There is still much to do, but now it feels doable. Get plants out of pots, cut the tropical milkweed back, go get tons of pansies to fill the empty spaces, maybe sew some red clover between the bricks…And weeding. Always and forevermore weeding (which was today’s little chore). Well, we shall see. Stay tuned? I feel like it’s maybe starting to come back. Maybe?

When Hyperfixation Wanes

 I haven’t blogged in years. I mean, who out there still blogs?! The truth is, I actually don’t know. Maybe lots of people still do. In my mind, we all shifted over to social media platforms and podcasts a long time ago. So maybe that’s why it feels quiet and safe to start blogging again. Like a fawn venturing out of the safety of the forest walls, here I timidly stand. Sensing for danger and unknowns, here I go, yo. I am assuming (hoping?) no one will notice, ha ha. 

So let’s chat. Because I am not in a good place. I have lost my gardening ju-ju. Like, I just stopped watering or even going outside to check on my zillions of plants. And I did that not just any ol’ time, but in August, in Los Angeles. Just casually walked my carefully collected and cared for plants to the fiery gates of purgatory and essentially said, “This is you. I can’t. So, yeah…bye.” 

I am heartbroken. Some of them have died! I mean, OF COURSE THEY FREAKING DID! But my drive is just gone. And apparently it has to do with a facet of my (recently diagnosed) ADHD. That particular chestnut? Hyperfixation, baby. It’s a thing, and yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. You become obsessed, and like Arnold Lobel’s “Small Pig”, you soak down into the good, soft muddy minutiae of whatever has caught your fancy. Often, it’s just for a few weeks, but yes, sometimes it’s also for years. And then for whatever reason, *poof!*, it’s gone. I’m too new to all of this to know if executive disfunction somehow plays a role, but it feels exactly like that sometimes. I know I should be itching to be outside. But there is instead an aching void and/or no link to any desire. Zip, nada, nothing.

So there I was, with 100+ varieties of roses, right? And well, here I still am, minus 4 or 5 of those roses. Because liquid hot magma sunshine and no water for weeks. Some days I have crippling guilt. Others days I don’t even think about it very much. But it’s gross, guys. I hate it. And I can’t. And I don’t want to. And it’s gross, guys. And I hate it. Oh. ♾️ 

You know what made my almost cry today though? My kiddo sent me out to water (yes, my 7 year old), and I found my freaking ‘Martha Stewart’ rose blooming. BLOOMING, you guys. 🥺 Like, HOW???  And also things like HUH? and WHY?! And the teensiest little bit of sarcastic guffawing because of COURSE it would be Martha friggin’ Stewart who would overachieve, right? 🤣🤣🤣

So I came inside just now and Googled ‘Is there a way to get back into a hyperfixation?’ And yeah, there’s sadly nothing very solid there, from the whole, heavy, sweeping 1-2 minutes I took to speed read links on Reddit and questions frequently asked. But there are some decent suggestions and a lot of talk about forgiving yourself if you can’t. And the thing that helped me the most was just experiencing the solidarity of how many other people had asked the same question. After that, also seeing how many other people added their voices and caring into the mix. And it made me want very much to add mine. Just in case something I said here today blooms,  and against the odds, reaches someone the way my little ‘Martha Stewart’ rose reached me today. I care, my fellow ADHD’er. I care so much and I hope you can get it back—whatever your specific ‘it’ is. I’m going to take the advice so freely given once Googled, and see if I can look at things from a different angle; find a new way to catch the old spark. I’m going to vocalize my genuine struggles of ennui and apathy. I am going to ask those who can, to help me keep going through the movements in the meantime. And I am going to watch for sparks. Because I have to believe that at some point there will be. And if my eyes are up and scanning the horizon for it, I will once again see it light up my heart and my Hyperfixation. 🤞🏼

Fresh Start Feeling

I keep thinking about blogging and then not doing it because I don’t want to have to do it from my iPhone. So weeks and months and now years have gone by of me silencing my voice. That makes me kind of sad. I love writing and speaking and sharing and communicating. So here I go and maybe I’ll just try to keep my posts brief (laugh with me here, friends!) as I get back into all of this bloggishness. 

It’s a beautiful day her in So Cal and I can see the heavily laden orange trees over the backyard fence. It’s one of my favorite sights: oranges galore against a blue sky. Love the color combos. And I feel like, even if it’s been a blah or bad day, I can still treat my eyes with the beauty outside my door. I am a visual person, so sometimes I really, really need to look up from my laundry piles and see something refreshing and happy. It makes me strive for that same happy refreshment in my own home. It’s a good thing. 

Coming off of a very stressful few weeks and my house, as usual, reflects the turmoil within. But I’m working on it. And by stressful, I mean my anxiety has been in overdrive. I have a good life, happy marriage and wonderful kiddos. But, I also have chronic anxiety. So whenever I make plans or start a new project, or just whatever,  my anxiety perks back up again. It’s a daily battle, really. Because the flip side of me is that I love people and plans. So my anxiety tries to undo the other side’s positive planning. But I work very hard not to let it win, and in the fight to see it through, my personal environment often reflects the way my heart and head feel. I read somewhere that cleaning and organizing places around you can help resolve stress and anxiety though, so I also am usually trying to organize or clean things. ♾ 

And that brings me back to the oranges. One of my favorite scents and sights. I want my life to reflect the purity and vitality and freshness of oranges. 🍊 So back to the laundry piles I go. And maybe I’ll light a candle or two as I go. I’ve got this. 

The "Scoot, Scoot, Grab"

I love this quote by Margaret Atwood. It's so clean and earthy and safe. In short, nothing like the everyday experiences in my garden. At the end of the day, I not only smell like dirt, but like sweat, too, and lots of it.

 

But what of the smells at the beginning of each day, you might ask? For me, the smell is one of distinct fear. I kid you not. That's how you know I must really love gardening. I wouldn't do it otherwise.

 

Now let me preface all of this by telling you that your first thoughts were probably accurate, too. There's the 'dew upon the grass' scent, and the smell of gently sun drenched roses, too. Wet earth being met by the first touches of the sun, yada yada yada.Yes, it's all of it there.

 

But do you know what else is there? Black widow spiders. And lots of them.

 

I don't like spiders, guys. I really, really don't. I mean, like, REALLY. And black widows are my least favorite. And in Southern California they're alllllllllll over the freaking place. Can't stand 'em.

 

Last week when I was cleaning out an old flower bed, I flipped over a large, old, outdoor pot...and yeah, there were two large widows RIGHT.THERE. They made a run for it and I started trying to smack them with my spade. I never saw them again. No clue if I hit them or if they escaped to scare me another day. My money's kinda on the latter of these possibilities...

 

>Sigh<

 

So anyway, because of this particular "affliction" in my garden, I have developed a particular technique (in addition to wearing some good gloves) to avoid getting bitten. I call it the "Scoot, Scoot, Drag". I don't use a hand rake, so my fingers do the raking in the dead leaves and weeds as I garden. You never know what you're going to find or awaken with each raking, so I make two quick scooping rakes towards me and then, if nothing on eight legs starts running at me, I make a final grab to put detritus type things into the weeding bucket. So far it's been working and I've gotten almost the entire front yard cleaned up and de-weeded.

 

But even with a good system in place, things can fall (or crawl!) through the cracks from time to time. Like they--IT--did this morning. Across the bare portion of my wannabe-Birkenstock-clad-foot.

I kid you not, guys, I really think my heart stopped. I really do. And I FROZE, too. I couldn't breathe OR move. And I was like,

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

 

 (Entomologist in me kicks into gear)

"Wait."

"Is that even a widow?!"

 

"Holy FRACK!"

 

"Is it...stopping on my foot...?!"

 (Complete WUSS in me kicks the entomologist in me clear out the door.)

 

"Doesn't matter what it is!"

"Kill it!"

"KILL IT!"

 

So I start trying to crab crawl away from my own attached foot, whilst simultaneously and recklessly smacking at self said foot. I missed twice, saw it (the spider, not my foot) was gone (MAYBE?!), got to my feet, back stepped and tripped over a raised paver stone, flailed wildly, and only then realized I was making guttural noises like a charging silver backed gorilla.

 

You know, your basic garden spider moment. Ha ha!

 

Oh my living HEART! What a moment. And as you can imagine,  I was crazy jumpy for the next four buckets full of weeds, too. I can only hope at least one of my neighbors caught the fantastic show and the myriad encores that followed. I must have looked like a jumbled up marionette in the hands of a frustrated toddler. Ha haaa!

 

Oh! And I did track down the spider in the grass, and it was NOT a black widow. Rather, a black house spider or funnel web spider of some kind. I think funnel web (not the uber deadly, Australian type. Just a normal type.)

 

So, gonna garden in some closed toed shoes from here on out.

Yeah.

 

THE END

And So It Begins: Kitchen Demo 2014

So today at 7:30 our kitchen officially became a construction zone. Despite having had a majority of our kitchen (pots, pans, dishes, spices, pantry foods, etc.) packed up for us around Christmas time, Mike and I were still up until almost 3 in the morning packing and moving and organizing and sorting everything else. I think I did a final sink of dishes at about 2:15 A.M. It was nuts and I was crazy emotional about it all, which Mike totally doesn't "get". He kept demanding that I not stress or cry or overthink the situation, ha ha. That went over like a lead balloon. ;)

But empty the kitchen, pantry and laundry room we did, and went to bed with the alarm set for 7:30, so we could be ready for the 8:00 A.M. demolition crew.
Well, no sooner had our alarm gone off than the doorbell rang. I kid you not. Luckily(?), I had crawled into bed fully clothed, so despite my extreme bed head and fogged over contact lenses, I was ready to answer the door thirty minutes early. Good times.
It's a little after 1:00 P.M. as I type this and all of the tile, cabinetry and appliances have been removed from the kitchen and pantry. Curiously, they have taped off our adjoined laundry room, so now we are worried they haven't been told that will need to be done...waiting to talk to them once they emerge from the tarped off rooms...
Here are a few pictures of the before and current (I don't want to say 'after' yet, because to me that implies finalization, and I won't truly have that for probably several months.) Anyway, without further ado, here's wassup:

Before:

And now our current state of affairs:

Venting Post

There is so much going on I hardly know where to begin. 

Do I start with how our sewer main got horribly plugged and sent its putrid contents flooding into our kitchen and all three of our bathrooms resulting in an insurance claim which has lead to the imminent demise of all four rooms beginning on Monday?

Do I tell you about my jitters for the lesson I've been asked to give this Sunday? And how I am the last person who should be giving a lesson on being a good visiting teacher?

Which reminds me: I'm still frequently crippled by both depression and anxiety. Hoping that if I begin my writings again, I'll feel less pressure and stress in my world.

I could also talk about how I'm starting to stress out over schools for Penelope. We have an "in" at a good nearby private school, but I'm worried about how we'll afford it.

Which brings me to Michael's continued lack of employment. So stressful to me!

And I'm so frustrated by all of this extra weight my body carries around like a comfort blanket these days. I'm constantly exhausted and for the first time in my life I have had to resort to using caffeine in order to function. I want to get my thyroid and blood sugars tested, but we don't have insurance right now. Can't afford it. And the kicker is that we will be punished by the government now for our lack of insurance. It makes me sick and so frustrated. 

I keep shutting down and have withdrawn from most of the people in my life. I figure it is incorrect to do so, but I can't make myself reconnect yet. I don't know what to do. 

Okay, there's lots more going on right now, but this us at least a good start and maybe now I can go to sleep. I hope so...so much to do tomorrow and Sunday...!

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I feel a bit better for now. Kind of. ;)

Nothing Much. Just Stuff.

I was going through some old drafts and found thus one I wrote about a year or so ago. I thought it was worth posting even in its unfinished version. So here ya go:

I don't really have that much to say tonight, but I'm feeling like writing, so here we go.

I'm looking forward to teaching a lesson for Relief Society tomorrow afternoon. I'm entitling it "Behold I Stand At the Door", and it's about finding different ways to approach people with the Lord's Gospel. My premise is that every person has "doors" they are willing to "answer". For example, the first time I felt the Spirit testify to me of the truthfulness of the gospel was through music. I am very sensitive to music, and when I heard Michael McLean sing "We can be together forever someday", I felt the Holy Ghost testify to me that the message was true. I gained a testimony through song. And I have never forgotten it. 

Write here. Write now.

I've been thinking. I'd really like to get back into blogging. I've stayed away for various silly reasons, but I miss it. And whether my toddler causes me to have typos, or whether my computer won't allow me to post photos, I just don't care anymore. I want to write. I NEED to write! Writing is who I am. It's what I'm supposed to do. Writing brings hidden parts of me to life and they've gone dormant so long at this point it actually feels weird to be dusting them off for use.
I am rusty. Veeeeerrrrryyyyy rusty. But it's just time to get back into the saddle, take the reins and head for the happy sunset. I've got so many ideas for things I'd like to write. BUT, I'm not in fit writing shape to produce anything of substance right now.
So even though this is probably the most repetitive thing I've ever written, it's also one of the most important. 'Cus this is the beginning of bigger and better things to come. I can feel it, the future goodness calling me. It's tangible and I want to make sure I write it down for those days in between now and then when things might feel foggy or less certain. I am supposed to write. I have an innate, Godly ability to express myself and I am supposed to use it and develop it right now.
I have fears about how to proceed, but mostly about my own insecurities and imperfections coming to light. I am going to write with honesty and hopefully with ease about whatever it is that is on my mind. Like I said, I have all these ideas floating around inside me that need to be held in place by assigning actual words to the thoughts. If that makes sense.
So, rusty or not, here I come!

Packed and ready to gooooooo!

This will be short, 'cus we're just about ready to head down to Santa Monica for the night. Mike's getting showered first though, so I've got a little time to chat.

As most of you already saw, I finally began cataloging my insect drawers today on Facebook. Did kind of a rush job with the pictures and collection data, but it's a definite step in the right direction. I've been meaning to do that for YEARS. Most of my insect drawers are packed away in the garage, too, so who know how soon I'll be able to finish everything up? Still, I am excited! The pictures I put up got very favorable comments and made my day. I wasn't sure how people would react to seeing a bunch of random, exotic bugs, but now I will look forward to sharing more in the future. I've even unearthed a few other insect enthusiasts in the process and look forward to having them over to see the collections in person. My camera photos wash a lot of the brilliancy away, unfortunately, so viewers cannot see their amazing iridescence and saturated colors. 

Nella tried chocolate milk for the first time today and took to it like a duck to Willy Wonka's mixing river. She did give me a quick, questioning look upon the first taste, but continued drinking when she saw me smile to reassure her. Cute times. Love my kiddo.

Trying to think what else is going on, but mind is stuck on the bug fair. Shocker.

Hope my favorite vendor/entomologist is there! His name is Dale Colby and he always has the best quality and selection. Mike and I have learned to make a bee-line (pun intended!) to Dale's booth as soon as we get in and buy a new drawer. The museum quality display cases (drawers) are about $55.00, but I get so many new bugs each year, they are a must. Anyway, Dale is the best and we always look forward to hearing all about his world travels and his recommendations for my collection. It's nice, too, because he looks for us to return to him each year now, and scolds us if we arrive late! Ha ha! I honestly believe Mike is afraid of another scolding this year from Dale if we don't get to the show soon enough. Cracks me up. 

Hope this year's fair is better than last year's. There were only a handful of vendors from whom I would buy last time. Many of the other vendors tried to push broken, damaged goods on me. Enter one of the largest pet peeves in my world. HATE that people think I don't know any better because I am a chick. Oh man, does that annoy me, you guys. The vendors are not even as guilty of it as my fellow buyers though. Almost every year I have some ignorant male try to tell me I don't need the insect I am trying to purchase. They point to a butterfly hoping I'll be distracted enough to walk away from the bug I spotted before they did. Fools. ;)

Tomorrow will be special though no matter what I buy or who is there. It's our family's day to be together and get our inner Nerd on, ha ha. But it will be fun, too, just because it's a treasure hunt and we love the thrill of the hunt. Most of all I hope to find one of those big blue weevils with the yellow fuzzies on it. Walked away from a pair of those a couple of years ago and haven't seen any since. 

Oh! Time to go!!!! Talk to you hopefully tomorrow when we get home!

Wish us well!

Love, 

Auty

Hopped Up & Happy

So I've had caffeine today. This evening to be exact. And I hardly ever indulge in it, 'cus it just gets me so hopped up and prevents me from sleeping. To take it at all is pretty rare, but in the evening is an especial No-No. What was I even thinking of?! Ha! Oh well.

Today was a pretty great day, but normal. Or maybe it was great because it was pleasantly normal? Yes, that's more like it. 

I took Penelope to her weekly play group at Shadow Ranch Park in West Hills. For some reason I had 9:30 stuck in my head as the time to be there, so we were there all alone for quite some time. I had just begun pushing Nella in the swing (which is on the way to the parking lot) when our friends began to trickle in. Then it was suddenly time to shift my mindset to "stay" mode rather than "leave". It was pretty mellow and many of us, both moms and kidlettes, were pre-tired. Even still, we didn't leave for several more hours. Looooooong day at the park!

Penelope was NOT tired though and took herself off to play deeply in the sun and sand. So much so that she got nice and sunburned before I thought to apply her sunscreen. Second time since Saturday, and I was pretty upset with myself for forgetting it again. She's got a bit of a tiny heat rash 'round her neck now, too, darn it. Mother of the year award goes to... >sigh< So now I am treating her rash with calamine lotion. Not that it seems to bother her in the least, but I have to do something to try to help, right?

After the park, we stopped to gas up at $4.23/gallon and then went home to put Pea down for her nap. She slept a couple of hours and I relaxed with a book, emailing, pestering Michael, a visit from my mother-in-law, Rosa, and Facebooking. I was a little hungry from fasting, so I was trying to take it easy while keeping my mind distracted. 

Which reminds me, my family and I fasted and prayed for my Cousin Sam's baby girl, Madeline "Maddie Jo" today. Maddie is about 6 weeks younger than Penelope and has been battling C. Diff for quite some time now. I am still learning about this kind of rare malady, but suffice it to say Maddie's extremely sick and the treatments so far have never cured her. In fact, she gets worse than ever after each treatment of antibiotics! It is getting very alarming, so my Cousin Heidi (Sam's little sister) wrote everyone yesterday to ask if we'd fast and pray for Maddie. So that's what we did.

I had expected to probably feel super weak from fasting, but in retrospect that was not the case. I honestly felt like the Spirit was giving me everything I needed as I swept through my day. 

It was such a blessing to be able to fast with my family members! I am almost always in a state of chronic and extreme homesickness, so to be joined in this fast with my loved ones lifted my spirits and brought them Home close to my heart again. I fasted all day with peace and was kind of sad to have it end this evening. Felt like my heart had to finally hang up the phone, if that makes sense. 

I sure hope that baby Maddie will be okay and soon. We'll just have to keep praying that this latest round of antibiotics will finally be enough to stop the disease. God bless her sweet little body! It breaks my heart when I hear all she has been going through. And my heart aches for her wonderful parents as well. If hearts could heal with loving thoughts, right?

It has been a real nice, peaceful evening 'round these parts. Nella and I got the front lawn and garden watered earlier. Truth be told, Nella also got HERSELF good and watered as well, ha ha! DU-RENCHED! Boy oh boy, does this baby girl love herself some good water! Played in the mister at the park. Played in the sprinklers and hose water in the yard. Splashed herself almost to oblivion in the bath water and even attempted to drink it. Lovely. What else would one expect from a little Aquarius though? Funny, none of this sounds all that peaceful, but my happy mind recalls it that way nonetheless. Just a good night together at Home is peace enough for me.

I love my family. I just need to say that again. It can never be said enough to do my feelings justice. Near or far, you guys are my very heart. You make me better. I love you. I miss you. 

Talk to you all again very soon.

Love, 

Autumn

I feel a blog coming on!

Oh my goodness! Where to even begin at this point? Right?

So much to say.

Mother's Day was a blur. Had to work at a craft faire with my mama-in-law, Rosa, on Saturday and Sunday. Also was one of the speakers in Sacrament Mtg. on Sunday, so that was crazy.

I usually enjoy writing and rehearsing my talks, but for some reason (extreme dieting, maybe?) I couldn't focus and was up until 1:00 A.M. Saturday night writing it. So then I never even re-read it before giving my talk. I felt nervous and disjointed almost the whole time I was speaking, which is weird for me, but I made it through and I think it was okay. Mike said it was and so did a few others, but I had to leave so quickly afterwards (to go sit at the craft faire) that my lacking self esteem never got the all reassurances it was craving, ha ha. C'est la freaking vie, no?

The craft faire was, bleh. I don't enjoy the faires if you want to know the truth. I never get paid for working them because we never sell enough that I would feel good about taking anything from the small profits. But it's part of Rosa's dream and I want to help her in any way I can. She is so good to me and everyone else she knows! So bring on the faires. I'll do it for my Rosita.

I barely got to see Penelope on Mother's Day. Not even a single picture together! That was the main bummer for me. During Sacrament Mtg., she wailed as soon as she saw me at the pulpit and couldn't come to me. A friend quickly whisked her to the hallway and I didn't see her again until the meeting was over and she needed a diaper change before I left for the faire. It was so hard to leave her behind, but it was best that she not attend the faire and get sunburned and/or possibly lost in the crowds.

Don't know why I'm going on and on about Mother's Day. Guess I just haven't talked about it with anyone, and it's been a little blue spot on my heart.

In other news though, I am ridiculously excited for this weekend's annual Bug Fair at the LA County Museum of Natural History (LACMNH). I don't know when I've been so excited for a show in years! Maybe it's because we can better afford it this year than in the years before. Maybe it's because I know exactly the types of insects for which I am searching, so it feels somewhat like a treasure hunt. Not sure, but I am super-duper excited to go and so is Michael.

Have I told you before what Michael does for me every year? He takes on extra side jobs (on top of everything ELSE he already does!) and then gives me the money so I can spend it on dead bugs. Seriously. And he INSISTS on it, too. During our leanest years, he still somehow always found a way to make sure I got this once a year "treat". And you might think I'm exaggerating, but we've been going to the show for so many years now (i think close to 8?) that he anticipates it as much as I do. It is one of our only traditions apart from picking out a Christmas tree. Aren't we crazy kids? I am blessed to have my husband support my hobby. Honestly I would have given it up ages ago if it weren't for Michael. Maybe he knows that, too. It is so important that we support each other in the things that bring us joy, don't you think?

Anyway, we had been planning to be the first ones there at 9:30 on Saturday morning, but then I suddenly realized that Mike works at the temple on Saturdays. (Used to be Tuesday nights for over a year, but it was too hard with work, so he switched recently to Saturday mornings.) Duh! So then he felt awful for being the one who would make us go late. I told him it was fine (and sincerely meant it!), but he was pretty sad. (You see, there are lots of people there early on the first day to try and buy the most rare insects for their collections, so going late means possibly missing out on some cool things.) So THEN, Michael calls me and tells me that we can try to rent a room at one of the Church apartments (on the grounds behind the temple), so that way he can sleep a little later than 4:00 A.M. and we can also leave within minutes of his shift ending around noonish. I had never heard of such a thing, but turns out it's true, so we're booked for Friday evening at the temple apartments! Crazy cool. Mike can sleep til 5:00 A.M. for once, and he can nap for the 30-45 minutes it takes to drive there. YAY!

So now what I need to do to prepare for the insect show is to start cataloging my exotic weevil collection right away. That, by far, is my best developed collection. Even so though, I have managed in my zeal to accidentally duplicate a couple of my species and subspecies. So in an effort to avoid doing any more of that (which, believe it or not, can be QUITE costly), I am going to create a Facebook/iPhone album full of my weevils. And if I have time after that, I'll try to get some of my other green beetles or pyrops catalogued as well. Stay tuned!

Penelope recently had her 15 month check up. As usual, she's huge! 95th percentile for height at 32 1/4" and 75th percentile for weight at 24.12 lbs. It's crazy how fast she is growing! She wears mostly size 2 clothing, which has a lot to do with her huge head (also in the 95th percentile). I never, ever, thought my 15 month old would be half my height, but she certainly is. CRRRRRRRazy!

The last two rooms in our house are creeping very close to being finished. Floors and windows are taped off so texture coating and then paint can be applied. Then we'll call the carpet installers and get the rest of the carpet put in. Funny that the rest of it (the carpet) went in last July...There is only so much that can be done when you have a husband who works 12 hour days, is the Elders Quorum President, and a Temple ordinance worker. When I think of it that way, I am surprised we are as close as we are to finishing! Michael is The Man. :)

Sorry no pictures this time. Our computer has been having issues, so we don't have access to most of the things we've downloaded. I will try to include links to my Facebook albums for those who aren't on there.

Hope this finds everybody doing well! I have missed you all and your wonderful blogs! Thanks for your encouragement as I make my way back into the scene.

Love,
Autumn

Back in the Saddle Again

>Sweep< >Sweep< >Sweep<

Achooooooo!

Sorry. Had to dust the ol' Blog off, here. ;)

My apologies for not having blogged with you guys before now. Life has been uber busy, and we disconnected the internet at our home for several months while we finished renovation on three of five rooms. I often contemplated attempting to blog via Mike's Blackberry, but my fingers actually quivered and hid every time! Ha ha!

Aaaaaand, wouldn't you know it, Nella just woke up early from her nap. >Sigh< So with this I will bid you a fond adieu and hope to talk with you more very soon. (Talk about anticlimactic!)

Love,

Autumn

Things I Want to Remember...

I keep having this sinking feeling that I should have been better chronicling my first pregnancy. And yet, when I pause to reflect on what it is I want to remember, my foggy brain goes *blank*. Lovely. My mind then gently reminds me that if I was journaling daily as I used to, this forgetfulness would no longer really be an issue, as the details of life and pregnancy would naturally flow and be captured in the day's snapshot entry. So true.

I know part of the reason I feel the tug so strongly to journal is that I want Penelope to know about my pregnancy in case I am not around when she gets to have her own babies some day. ( I am not being morbid--I just think this way naturally as a reflex since I have been living this way for so many years, myself.) I cannot tell you how many, many times I have wanted to know something about my own Mama's pregnancies, or about her pregnancy specifically with me, or something about my own birth and not been able to get the answer since she is not here. Here are some things I want to know from my Mama:

• Did you have morning sickness with all four of us? If so, for how long typically? What things helped with the sickness? Were there different things each time, or did the same things seem to help every time?
• Did you carry me differently (higher, lower, wider, etc.) than you carried the boys? Who was the most active? Who gave you the worst morning sickness? Tell me everything!
• Besides your craving for green apples, what else can you tell me about your pregnancy with me? Did you think I was a girl or a boy?
• Who made me the green blanket I loved so much? Was it you?
• Will you tell me the story of my birth from labor to delivery? I remember certain parts of the story, but not like you would.
• Did you ever gain much weight in your pregnancies? The pictures don't seem to show you did, but I'd still like to know. Also, how long did it take to lose the weight usually?
• How quickly were you able to breast feed the first time? What can you tell me about it all?
• This isn't a question, but I'd like to sit and compare my experiences with yours to see if there are any similarities. I would really, really love to be able to do that...Makes me weepy with longing--for reasons I am sure you understand, since you lost your Mama while you were young, too. And ironically, I would also like to talk to you about THAT, too, and cannot.
• Also not a question, but I feel so lost as to how and when things should be getting done in preparation for Penelope's birth. Despite best intentions, it sometimes feels as if no one is helping me the way you just naturally would have, so I am constantly having to ask people for the answers. It can sometimes feel exhausting hunting down all the "To Do's" and sorting through everyone else's opinions to find what I think (but do not know) is the best option. Let's be honest, I don't know anything at all about baby showers, registrations or anything else. I have been reading book after book after book and I feel like I still might fail my "final exam". What would you have told me? Would you be calling me as often as I tell myself you would? Would you be down here to help me get ready? In the throes of feeling sorry for myself, I have made you into some type of "woulda-shoulda-coulda" guardian angel who I am sure would have sailed in to save the day every time I have begun to even slightly panic. I tell myself you would have the words to calm me; the listening ear to hear me patiently (again and again); the wisdom and advice given before it was even required. How true is all of this?
• Do you think I will be a good mother? I know you would say yes, but I still want to hear it and all the reasons you would have for saying so. You were so unfailingly kind AND honest and my heart searches for your specific reassurances even after all these years.

Okay, so that's a tiny portion of the loop of questions playing incessantly in my mind these days. Mix that with pregnancy hormones and solitude and you get the picture of why you're not hearing from me more often--any of you. I don't know where to begin, and I don't want to be overly pitied or preached to, and I don't want to cause pain or worry to those I love, so I just stay quiet. But I am a bit unnerved. And hormonal. Don't forget hormonal, ha ha ha.

The one major blessing I feel though is something I haven't shared publicly, simply because it is so special to me that I have been guarding it almost protectively (if that makes sense). Mike and I were recently called and set apart as temple ordinance workers in the LDS Los Angeles Temple in Santa Monica. We started there about 5-6 weeks ago, and it is the most peaceful, amazing place to be able to go every Tuesday afternoon/evening. It seems like no matter what else is going on, or how many hormones I've got raging, as soon as we step onto the temple grounds my heart is at immediate peace. And I stay at peace the entire time we are there and all the drive home, and even until I collapse into bed to sleep. I have always loved the temple, but I now have such a strong testimony that it truly is God's house. It is, you guys, it IS. Standing in the Celestial Room the other day, I had the strongest impression that I was not alone, and that Grandaddy knew I was there and thinking of him. So often while I am walking in the hallways, I will have friends' or loved ones' names come into my mind, and I will stop and add their names to the prayer roll. Also, being able to hear so often the blessings and promises God has for all of His children--all of US--fills something in my soul that words alone will not, cannot do justice. Tuesdays at the temple are my new favorite thing. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Mike will be serving Tuesday evenings at the temple for the next two years and I will serve until Penelope comes (or most likely right before). If you live in our area, are LDS and have a current temple recommend, please stop by on a Tuesday evening and spend some time in the House of the Lord with us. If you're not LDS, but would like to know more OR you'd simply like to have a festive, specially guided (by yours truly) tour of the beautifully Christmas lit temple grounds and newly renovated Visitor's center, just say the word. I'm your girl. :)

So yes, I am sometimes crazily stressed about baby stuff, but I also have something even stronger and brighter that is helping me be happy and optimistic: God's Love. And that is also something I very much want to remember from this special time in my life. To those of you who make the time to send me texts, emails, Facebook messages and also give gifts of advice, hugs, kisses, baby items and/or a listening ear, you are a big part of what I consider to be the source of God's Love. Reminds me of President Dieter F. Uchdorf's talk about each of us being God's Hands. Click here if you'd like to read it. It's awesome and it's so true.

Merry Christmas everyone! May we all find ways to lift those who are in need during this special Holiday Season, that we might better remember what Christmas is all about.

Love you,

Autumn

Perfectly Imperfect

Life has been so crazy lately! Car changes, fish tank dramas, baby registration boot camp, master bedroom painting storms, trips to flooring companies, laundry overload (every pun intended), last minute jack-o-lanterns and Halloween decorations... You name it, we've stressed it, baby!

And yet, we are doing better than ever. We might go through snippy sections during parts of the stress, but we always come through as a united team in the end. I am learning and remembering how the Lord has told us that he gives us trials to strengthen us and bless us. I am telling you, this is the truth. The absolute truth. NOT that I am lining up at God's doorstep for more necessarily (ha, ha), but just that I see that Mike's and my relationship is growing stronger and closer as we go through these imperfect situations together. And it makes my heart swell with such gratitude. Por que?

Pues, I have been wondering how Mike and I are going to handle having a little sunshine baby 24/7 with all of our imperfections and silly character habits. You know, the same worries every potential parent probably has. Nothing major. Just...yeah. Are we going to go crazy due to lack of sleep and lose patience with each other? Are we both going to freak each other out with wanting everything to be perfect for Nella P? (btw, her name's going to be Penelope Rose, thus the little nickname I tossed out back there. Thought I had better explain before continuing my neorotic monologue, ha ha.) And just silly stuff like that, you know. I haven't lost any sleep over these little thoughts, but they come and go--especially in imperfect times.

Which is why it's been really reassuring to go through such a flurry of stresses lately, so I can see that we do make a good team and will be alright as we approach new (exciting, scary, exhausting, FUN, smelly) things together. If that makes any sense outside of my own head...? Perhaps I've only succeeded in making us sound troubled when I was shooting for "normal", but I hope this all made sense the way it was intended. We may not be perfect, but we are pretty frackin' cool. And yes, I just used the word "frackin'". Bottom line: I love being a part of Team Mulverhill. Such a blessing even through the stressin'.

Okay, and in other news, I have been slacking on doctor appointment details and such. Apologies! Here's the latest:

• I have my 1 hour glucose test this Friday morning (11/5/10) at 8:00 A.M to test for Gestational Diabetes. Will need to begin fasting Thursday at 7 P.M., but can have water up until the test begins. Then I will drink the orange nastiness! Blech! (Why can't it be a crunchy/salty test instead? I am so not a sugar person.) After a bit, they will apparently draw my blood to see if the glucose is being properly processed. Hopefully I will pass this test and have no problems. If I fail it though, I will then have to go back and do a three hour orange nastiness test with more needles, blood drawings... and if I fail again possibly have to take insulin for the remainder of the pregnancy. I doubt I will fail, but at least I know what to expect if I do, which makes it not so freaky to me.
• My 7 month OB/GYN visit is set for Tuesday morning (11/1610) at 11:15 A.M. We'll be going over the glucose test results and I think also discussing my next ultrasound. Again, these visits are usually in the 5 minute long range, so no biggie. I just like to hear the baby's heartbeat each time! Pretty cool stuff! That, and her constant punches and kicks are very entertaining, too. Cracks me up every time! :D
• My last ultrasound showed a perfectly formed heart and the sweetest little face of all time. Penelope has got some big peepers and cute chubby cheeks! The sonographer was particularly impressed with P's railroad track perfect spine and kept going back to look at it and exclaim at how nice it was. We proud parents beamed to hear her praised so! :) Mike was SO CUTE to watch while he watched the baby!!!! You guys, I so love my husband! He is going to be such a good daddy!
• My last OB/GYN test was just fine. Heartbeat was normal, no questions or concerns. Dr. Galitz mentioned that I will soon be moving up to the every two week visits with him instead of the once a month visit.
• I still haven't booked my BRCA appointments! Honestly, I just keep forgetting. Darn this pregnancy fog!!! I will book that soon and report back asap. I am not getting cold feet about getting tested, I promise!

Okay, that's all I can think of for now. Besides, I am out of time! Ha ha!

Loves,

Autumn

Quick Update

I can't begin to chronicle the journeyings-both physical and spiritual-of the past week or two yet. As Legolas says in the Lord of the Rings movies, "I have not the heart to tell you; for me the grief is still too near."

What I can do though is let you know when my next two dr. appointments are:

• I have an ultrasound this Friday, Oct. 15th, at 9:00 A.M. (w/an 8:45 check in). Mike will be joining me for this one and I am very happy about that. Baby is going to be 6 months along as of Sunday, so we are excited to get to see her again at this stage. The only thing I am not particularly thrilled about are the 32 oz. of water I need to drink and hold in for the procedure. But such is life, and really that's no big deal.

• My 6 month OB/GYN check up with Dr. Galitz in on Tuesday, Oct. 19th, at 11:15 A.M. This should be pretty short, and we'll listen to baby's heartbeat and probably discuss Friday's ultrasound and how the baby's heart is looking, etc. So I am looking forward to that as well. I plan to attend this appointment on my own as they are usually only 5 minutes or so long, and Mike would lose about 2 hours of work in travel time and office waiting time to be there. Besides, I kind of enjoy doing some of this stuff on my own. It's just easier. :)

In the meantime, I am just EXHAUSTED. I went to bed last night before 8:30 had even rolled around and man did I need the rest. I haven't felt fatigue like this since the baby was building placenta a couple of months back. It's like hitting a warm wall and thinking, "Hm. I seem to have hit a warm wall. It's so cozy! Maybe I'll just...just...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...."

ha ha ha! I'm serious. I constantly feel the need to nap, even if I've just awoken the moment before. So yeah. Tired.

Baby's kicking me pretty much 24/7. I think she must be going through some kind of growth spurt, too, which would help explain the lack of energy. I also think that my recent trip took its toll on me. My last day up in Idaho I barely moved off of my brother Joseph and sister-in-law Mary's couch. I was spent. When I got home I weighed myself and saw I had actually lost a teensy bit of weight in the week that I'd been Home, but no worries, I am back to normal plus another pound or so nowadays. I'm still not back up to my pre-pregnancy weight, but my dr. says I am gaining just right, so nothing to worry about there either. I am actually very grateful for the lost weight from the morning sickness that is allowing me to stay more slender throughout this whole process. I have always been scared of gaining a lot of weight during pregnancy and not being able to recognize myself by the end. This way I am still able to eat as much as I need and want, but not get too chubby.

Oh, one last thing is an update on the genetic counseling appointment for the breast cancer BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. I called to book my appointment when I got home last week and a nice nurse named Jo is now trying to get me pre-approved for the actual BRCA tests now, too! We briefly discussed my family history and she said it would most likely take her a week or two, but she thought it was worthwhile to try to get everything set up for the same visit to save me time and trips over the hill to Los Angeles. Honestly, I couldn't agree more with her. Please keep this matter in your prayers on my behalf if you would? Genetic counseling is a good step forward, but to be able to be approved for the actual BRCA tests would literally be a dream come true. Especially now that I know I am carrying a daughter in my womb, the intensity of needing to know whether I carry one or both of these genes has gone through the roof. This knowledge will also benefit my neices and my maternal cousins. If I can get tested then it clears the way for each of them to be tested as well, and then they can better plan for their own futures. You get my point, I'm sure. Precaution leads to prevention; knowledge to planning.

More soon.

Love,

Autumn

Waiting

I have to write. I cannot sleep. My heart is full to the spilling out point and I can find no thoughts or words to make it better. My Grandad just had a major stroke and the outlook is grim.

My Cousin Jennifer called me to let me know and it took a minute for it to sink in properly. Then Dad & Sheryl called. Then I went down to tell Michael and I broke down completely. Michael is sicker than a dog right now, but quickly jumped out of bed to hold me while I sobbed. I put Mike back to bed and came back upstairs to call my brother Hyrum. Then my brother Miles and his wife Bonnie called Hyrum, too. Then I called my in-laws, Rosa and Pete, and lost it all over again. And then...and then there was nothing to do but begin waiting.

It feels like this ache in my chest will not allow me to take full breaths. And it isn't even that I am shocked by all of this so much as I so determinedly do not want it to happen. Grandad has been there my whole life. He's my other Daddy. My Grandaddy. He's never once judged me in my whole entire flawed life. He used to write me letters when I first moved away to California. I used to sit in his office window at the radio station and eat a Snickers bar while I waited for him to get off work. Then we'd walk home to my house together, too. The time I hit the kitten when I was driving in the car a couple of years ago, he pulled me into his lap and let me cry while he smoothed my hair and told me he understood. He's just always been there. Always. And I knew he was getting ready to leave when he kept telling me (and everyone else) that he was holding on for last month's family reunion, but I didn't let myself truly believe it. And now here I am waiting and waiting...to say a goodbye my heart refuses to admit necessary.

Please Heavenly Father, help me stop being so selfish and let him go. I know I have been indulged for almost 33 years of having him always be there. And you're right, he's tired and worthy to move onto something more. I just don't want to let him go. I love him so much and so does every living soul who has ever met him. I worry for my Aunts and Uncles and my Dad to have to loose their Papa. And my Gran. My grandparents have always been this perfectly matching set. My heart breaks when I think of their loss compared to my own. I again realize I am being selfish and thinking too much of myself in the wake of his loss. But I still can't help it, and I continue to weep as I wait.

And I continue to feel thanks for the amazing person the Lord allowed me to have as my Grandaddy. I have never met another person like him, but because of him I know what goodness is possible in human beings. And I continue to seek those traits in those I meet and know.

I know my Mama is waiting to greet him, as are his parents and his brother Herman and his baby son Joel...and all the many, many, many relatives for whom he so faithfully and happily traced their geneology, and for whom he made possible and/or performed the sacred temple ordinances. He is gonna be just as popular in Heaven as he ever was here, now that I think of it. And that is how it should be.

I need to be better. To do better. I want to spend eternity with my family members, and especially be able to never be parted from my Grandaddy again. And so I need to be not just good but valiant and anxiously engaged in a good cause. I realize I have been skating by on good for a long time now and not really straining to better myself. This is a wake up call like no other.

Oh Grandad, Grandad, Grandad! Even in all my tears and stubbornness I have to admit to feeling the peace of the Spirit. I do feel it, and I think that's half the reason I am crying so hard! And I want to tell you thank you for making it possible for me to even know what the Spirit IS. If you and Gran hadn't joined the Church all those years ago we wouldn't be the family we are today. And what an amazing family we have become under your guys' guidance. I love that I know who all my cousins are, and have more of a brother and sister relationship with them than of cousins. I love knowing their kids' names and personalities, too. I love most of all that each of them carry pieces of you and Gran in them, too. You taught us well what "Family" means and we will NOT forget it. We love being your family members with all that that entails and blesses.

I know you are leaving us, Grandad. But I know we are not really losing you just because we can no longer climb into your lap or give each other kisses goodnight or enjoy a bowl of ice cream together...it's just that I am going to miss you so much!!!! We all will.

I love you forever and ever and I will always be "your girl", your "water nazi" and one of your many "secret favorites". Don't give up on me. I won't let you down. We'll see each other again when it's time. I would have liked to have you hold our little baby girl before you had to go, but maybe you'll get to squeeze her and love her before we meet her now. I don't know how those things work exactly, but I like the idea of it a lot.

I guess what I am trying to muster up the courage to say is "Goodbye, Grandaddy". Thank you for always making me feel so full of worth and splendor. I cherish you and our memories we were always making together. This isn't everything I want to say, but it's a good start while I wait... I carry you in my heart until we can be together again. I love you so much, Grandad!

Love,

Your Aubie

Whims of Change

So many things are changing right now. And yet, so many things remain the same. Wow, that is such a generic beginning there might not be hope for this posting. Let's try again: I guess I am getting hyper-analytical over how much my life is about to change, and how everyone and their dogs are telling me the changes are unfathomable until they come. "There's no way to prepare so don't bother. Just know your life will never be the same." That kind of stuff. And most of it is spoken with the intent of stressing that it will for the majority be the best change ever. That part is cool. It's just that I am afraid I am going to lose myself in this process of having a baby, and as narcissistic as it sounds, I like myself and do not want to be parted from said self!

I heard a long, long, looooong time ago that unless you enjoy your own company you will never be able to truly enjoy the company of others. That statement really struck home to me and I decided, as an innate philanthropist, to give myself permission to learn to like myself in non-egotistical ways to be better company to those I love. Now, I'm not saying my balance between ego and self-liking has always been in balance/proportion to what my goals have been, but for the most part, well, I have been happy with myself. There are still millions of things I would like to fine tune and improve, but I have developed enough respect and honor for myself to be able to say I truly like myself and enjoy my "me" time.

Aha! And that is where I know you parents out there are probably chuckling and shaking your heads a bit at me. " 'Me Time', what is THAT?" you might be thinking with an audible sigh. Or "Pshaw! Get ready for a major wake up call." Right? Right. And I get that--as much as I can before the baby gets here, of course. It's just hard to embrace such a total change! More and more I am having these little lightbulbs go off in my pregnancy fogged brain and they are most startling indeed! ha ha. Here are a few for your laughing pleasure (and mine for future naivete referencing):

• GASP! We can go to the Harry Potter movie in November, no problem. But **double gasp** we will need a BABYSITTER for the last HP movie next summer! Oh my living HEART! (Being the responsible future parent that I am though, I booked a sitter this past Wednesday to cover me on opening HP night in July 2011. Phew! What a load off my mind that is!)
• Numbers on the scale going up week by week is a GOOD THING....? Um...yeah?
• Clothing sizes increasing is NORMAL and to be encouraged. No further comment at this time...
• Sleep will become a LUXURY. Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy!!!! *sniff* *sniff*
• I no longer need to constantly try to suck my stomach in for healthy back support because it is now impossible to do it. I can't. At. All. But hilariously enough I keep feeling myself try to anyway! What a dork, huh? ha ha ha!
• It may be a very long time before I again finish a book or series of books. This is a bone chilling concept for me, the bookworm girl.
• I will completely lose track of everything going on on Facebook and blogs with all of you...and will have no time/energy to back track and catch up!
• Mike and I will never be just the two of us again! If we want to go out of town...yeah...or to the movies...or grocery store at midnight...yeah...not going to happen like it used to!
• Next year I will need a Halloween costume for an 8 month old! WOAH!!!!! Weirdness!

Okay, okay so you're getting the gist, right? I think the whole Harry Potter thing was the first jolt (dare I say lightening bolt? ha ha ha) to my brain, and they're beginning to come more and more often now...at least to me. I don't think Michael really has a clue yet, poor guy. ;)

So love us in our cluelessness, wish us luck, and be sure to tell us what other things we can anticipate changing (besides diapers, of course).

Love,
Auty

Miss you, Mama

Dear Mama,
I've wanted so much to talk to you lately. I know we sometimes go months between the thoughts I send to you as the years stretch between when we were last together. I know that. Truthfully, sometimes you don't feel real to me simply because you've been gone for so long. But really, I do know you're always there even if I don't always send you loving thoughts.

But lately...lately things are suddenly very different. I feel your absence again like a gaping hole I cannot fathom filling. I miss you! I cry again and again to think that you are not here to be with me as I am carrying this baby girl. I just miss you in ways I had convinced myself could no longer apply after almost 19 years apart. I want to be able to call you when the baby kicks me. I want to watch as you place you own hand on my stomach to feel her move, and we both look up to share a priceless moment together. I can imagine how excited you would be at her coming, and the many countless ways you would express that excitement in words and sweet, creative deeds.

Everyone around me is being so great and spoiling me in ways I know you'd appreciate if you were here to discuss them as they happen. I know I am out of line in wanting you to be here, and resenting your absence so much when it was 100% not your wish to leave us in the first place. I'm not angry with you or even with Heavenly Father. I just find myself comparing those around me to you, and it isn't fair to them most of the time.

Mike's mom, Rosa, came with me to that freaky state required dr. appointment last Tuesday, and part of me was very grateful...but part of me wanted you to be there with us, too. It seemed so unfair that she and I could be there and you could not as we waited to see if the baby was a boy or a girl. I mean, I knew you already knew since you kinda have the best seats in the house for things like that right now, but still. And then when the doctor told me there might be a hole in our baby girl's heart...Mama, my heart cried out to you like I was three years old and lost on the playground! WHERE WERE YOU??? What should I do?! Where should I go so I could be with you and feel that comfort that only you as my mama can give?

Here's the thing, Mama. I know what to do when it's only me that has to get through something and survive. But this whole baby thing is a horse of a different color. Selfish, hardened parts of me that usually take over to get me through tough spots just don't cut it now like they always have before. I am weak and uninformed, humbled and scared. I am like a child again; An experience both sweet and bittersweet to my soul. And you know something? Like a child, I want to share both sides of this with you. I want you to kiss my owies and join my in my joys! I want you to tell me that no matter what, everything will be okay. Somehow you saying those words carries more weight than hearing it from someone else.

Mama, I am trying to be good and to turn to the Lord in all these things. Believe me, losing you taught me that lesson long, long ago and it stuck permanently. But sometimes a girl needs her Mama, and so here I am. Still. Forever. Missing You.

Dad and Sheryl sent me the sweetest box of all my old baby clothes the other day. Sure made my day and I ached all over again wishing we could have talked and laughed over the things I used to say and do when I wore all those cute little outfits. Some of the clothes even turned out to be Joseph's and maybe even Hyrum's. I wish you were here to help me know what belongs to whom! I am going to send Joseph's clothes to Mary for safe keeping.

Which reminds me: You sure would love our Mary and Bonnie if you were here, Mama! They are both the sweetest girls and they adore your sons like no other and take care of them so well! There are moments every single time I am with each of them that make me think immediately of you. Sometimes it's something they say, other times it's something they do, but it is consistent and I adore them for it.

I heard a song while I was driving on the way to work today and I decided as the tears began to stream down my cheeks it's gonna be our song for now. You can sing it to me, and I will sing it to you... 'til the sun comes out again for both of us.

As I Lay Me Down

(Sophie B. Hawkins)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qE-1RiIPKAI

It felt like springtime on this February morning

In the courtyard birds were singing your praise

I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright

I carried them with me today, Now

(chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep

This I pray

That you will hold me dear

Though I'm far away

I'll whisper your name into the sky

And I will wake up happy

I wonder why I feel so high

Though I am not above the sorrow

Heavy hearted

Till you call my name

And it sounds like church bells

Or the whistle of a train

On a summer evening

I'll run to meet you

Barefoot barely breathing

(repeat chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

It's not too near for me

Like a flower I need the rain

Though it's not clear to me

Every season has its change

And I will see you

When the sun comes out again

(repeat chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

'til the sun comes out again,

'til the sun comes out again...

I will wake up happy.

I love you, Mama. I know you'd be here with me if you could, and that you are with me in the ways that you can be. I recognize your presence and influence in the kind deeds of those who are around me, loving me. And even though missing you hurts, it also somehow brings you closer to me than you've felt in years, and I take great comfort it our long overdue reconnection. I know the pain of separation will not always feel so strong as it does right now, and eventually I will need to let you slip farther away from me once again. I know that, Mama. It's just kind of nice to have you Home with me right now. Thank you for that. I love you so much.

With all my love forever,

Your Aubey

P.S. If you have any name suggestions for the baby please find a way to get them to me? I hope she has your curly hair!

Seasonal Mood Swings and Things

Okay, so the summer is all but over and I have been pretty much silent (and sick) through it all. Apologies, apologies. I had true intentions to attempt to recap my summer, but alas, my excitement lags as I try to go back and recreate the memories. Don't get me wrong, there are awesome memories in there. I'm just not that ambitious today.

However, now that the autumnal season approaches--and my morning sickness abates-- I am feeling a renewal of energies and excitement. There's just something about fall, isn't there? I always get excited the first time I feel that slight crispness in the air and reach out for a thick, furry sweater. I immediately want it to be Halloween and to decorate for Christmas! Yes, simultaneously, ha ha. Oh, oh! And I want to bake and put my house in order, too! Even my nose seeks a change as I find myself seeking out cinnamons, vanillas and spices rather than the strawberries, melons and satsumas of summer. How 'bout you? Do you find the change of seasons invigorating, too, or are you whistful for the summer days gone by so soon?

And now for an abrupt subject change. Thank you.

All seems to be going well with the baby so far. Last week I had a bit of an uncomfortable experience though when I was required by the State of California to submit myself to genetic counseling and an unscheduled ultrasound because, according to "them", my baby is at higher risk (1 in 58) for Downs Syndrome. Um, okay. Upsetting. And then Michael suddenly coudn't go with me to the appointment, so I took my mother-in-law Rosa with me just so I wouldn't have to go it alone.

The genetic counseling part was weird. I was there for Down Syndrome counseling, but the chick (Meredith) got completely side tracked by the rampant breast cancer that runs through my mom's side of the family. She was extremely alarmed and couldn't seem to get back to the Downs Syndrome stuff for more than a couple of minutes at a time. I assured her I fully grasped the severity of the San Andreas fault line sized streak of breast cancer in my family. (Small gripe: I don't know why people always think they need to remind me of it; like I haven't grown up my entire life under the shadow of the thing! Just because I come across as calm does not mean I am not being vigilent about my check ups, etc.)

Okay but back to the Downs Syndrome stuff. So Meredith said that some of my bloodwork numbers came back as a little too high and/or too low and that that can sometimes mean the unborn child is at higher risk for Downs. Great. The only way to know for sure is to do the amniocentesis (sp?), and I was very, very against that. My girlfriend Trisha Rainey had just had one the week before and had a horrendous experience, so that got me running scared. Trisha was put on bed rest for a week after her "amnio" and said she could barely move and felt sick. And she looked really pale and waxy when Mike and I took dinner into her family that week. So yeah, I was scared and Michael was not there to discuss it with him either. Lovely. Meredith did say that I would be offered another chance at the amnio after the ultrasound that followed, so I just signed "No" when she offered it to me. She also stressed that if the baby did have Downs we would most likely be able to tell by several red flags in the ultrasound (i.e., shortened arms and legs, a gap in the spine, brightness in the bowel regions and heart problems).

So next we were off to have the ultrsound performed. Rosa and I were a little bit stoked just because I was 18 weeks along and we were relatively sure we'd be able to determine the baby's gender (and we were right!). Within just a few minutes we had discovered we were totally wrong about one thing though: we were NOT having a baby boy! I was completely and utterly shocked. I had been so sure, ha ha ha!

Back to the ultrasound though. The sonographer (I think that's what they call 'em?), Dana, moved quickly through the list of things to check for: brightness in bowels? Nope. Gap in spine? Nope. Shortened limbs. Nope. Problem with the heart? Hm...not sure. So she called the Doctor (Jadali) in... and he pushed very aggressively... and literally pounded on my belly to make the baby move more and more...and eventually said he thought there might be a small hole in the heart. Thought there might be? Then he said it would most likely close on it's own as the baby continues to develop. Hm. So did I want the amnio, or not?

Back tracking a bit, after the genetic counseling with Meredith I had taken a quick trip to the little chicks room to ensure an empty bladder for the ultrasound. I was really nervous I had made a mistake by signing "no" and I wasn't allowed the time to step out to try to call Michael, so I did the only other thing I could think of: I knelt down on the bathroom floor and said a prayer. I told Heavenly Father I had decided against the amnio. That I really didn't think I needed it, was afraid of it, and could not afford to take the time off from work for the required day or two minimum required bed rest after the procedure. I asked that if I was wrong in my decision he would make it very obvious to me AND to Rosa with strong evidence of Downs in the ultrasound and/or a strong impression from the Holy Ghost.

So back to the question: Yes or no to the amnio? I chose "No" again, and Rosa agreed with me. I felt calm about it and the Dr. said that there were only two reasons I even needed to consider it in the first place: 1. If I would abort the baby if she had Downs (which I would not, for the record), and 2. If I would make myself sick with worry about knowing (which I have not).

For those of you cringing over the decision I made last week, don't worry. I still have two or three weeks to change my mind. I see my OB/GYN (Dr. Galitz) on Sept. 21st and plan to discuss it more at length with him. And pray more about it. I feel so out of my element with all of this, you guys! The thing I wonder about is if I made a rookie mistake just because I didn't know any better. I welcome your thoughts. I felt good about the decision I made last week when I made it, but from time to time go back to ponder over it all. I just wish I had even known the amnio would be discussed and offered to me when I went in last week! I had never even heard of the amnio until Trisha's horror of the week before and had no clue what to expect from the visit to Dr. Jadali's. I try so hard to always educate myself in all areas and I guess my blatant ignorance embarrasses me in this situation.

And here's the real truth: I wish my mama was alive so she could have helped me through this. She would have known what to expect. She would have gone with me. She would know what I needed to hear and even how to say it to me. My mama would have been there for me so I wouldn't have to feel so alone. And I feel sorry for myself even a week later as I sit here typing with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes in my work cubicle.

So that's where things stand for right now. Our baby girl might have a small hole in her heart. Our baby girl might have Downs Syndrome. And I am just here waiting to see how things pan out. My heart tells me everything is going to be okay, and I think that's why I am able to not dwell on it too much. I would really love and appreciate your thoughts and prayers in the meantime though.

Love,

Autumn

In a Constant State of Philately

Some time back, I mentioned that I had been meaning to be more open and forthcoming in my writings. And it is that vein of honesty that I approach the delicate subject of my Philately.

Philately (pronounced: fuh-LAH-tuh-lee) actually runs in my family, but not rampantly. I inherited it directly through my paternal Gran and her mother before her. I've even heard that my Cousin Dave is also afflicted, but have yet to confirm this as certain. Obviously I am curious to see whether the condition will be inherited by my unborn child, but only time will tell. It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I even realized I had indeed inherited the characteristic tendencies. What are the symptoms you may well ask? Hm. It's difficult to say, as they can be both acute or of a more latent and/or casual strain, but here are some of mine:

• Squinting
• Peeling
• Hording
• Acute Attention to Details
• Occasional Licking
• Incessant Searching
• Strong Instincts Toward Preservation

Bottom line? I'm a stamp collector, guys. That's right! Ha ha! I am constantly on the outlook for a good stamp whether at home or at work. And my office position allows me access to occasional international stamps, too, which I am always swift to acquire. Pretty great stuff.

As I mentioned before, I inherited my stamp collecting tendencies from my Gran Haeberle who got me started a few years ago. She has since sent me magazines and even a book to help my symptoms sink in as deep as possible. I treasure this hobby as a link to my Gran and her mother, my Nana Templin.

In my pursuits of acquisition I have had to keep my eyes open in the most unlikely of places. A keen example is the time I went to the annual insect fair at the LA County Museum of Natural History. Obviously I was there to buy copious amounts of dead and pinned insects for my other well-known hobby and collection. But, Lo! Suddenly looming before me was a gentleman selling collections of insect stamps!! Hell-o?! How could I resist? Well, I couldn't, so now I've got a lovely and rather exotic little display of insect stamps from the following countries: Spain, Mongolia, Germany, Mali, (former) Czechoslovakia, Congo, Belgium, and a few that appear to be in an Asian language and also a few in Russian. Pretty great right? I keep them displayed on my bedroom bookshelf, and I always smile when I stop to think of the randomness that aligned to help me purchase them.

Another fun time for Philately and me came a couple of years ago when the U.S. Postal Service introduced the Forever stamp. No doubt you've heard all about it, but just in case this is your introduction into the subject as a whole, here's the 411 on what makes these stamps so COOL. Forever stamps will always (ALWAYS-- as in "forever", eh?!) match the value of whatever 1st class stamp is in existence. Isn't that awesome?! So let's say that I want to mail a letter in 25 years and all I have is a Forever stamp. Ding! Ding! Ding! I am good to go! Even if my future grandchildren want to use them, they will also be good to go. LOVE IT. So I've got a booklet of them stashed away as a part of my ever-growing collection, of course. And while it is true that most often a post marked stamp is the more valuable, in this instance I feel great about just leaving them blank and intact in their original little book. Click here to see what it looks like. I bet you've seen it! And you thought you were immune to Philately! Ha!

Alright, so now you not only know what Philately is, but also that I suffer from it off my own free will. *grin* And actually, I can't help but acknowledge my other Haeberle relatives, specifically my Dad, as well in the line up of those who gave me this "tendency". My Dad is an AWESOME Historian, and has ever instilled the love of past peoples and items within me. I grew up in an environment filled to the max with learners and collectors who were always enthusiastic to share their thoughts, collections and experiences with me. I treasure my family! (But that is a whole 'nuther post!)

So let me know what you think! Are you horrified? Do you want to learn more? Was this the most non sequitur posting of all time? Are you bored stiff? Do you have lots of stamps to send my wee little way? Let me know! 'Cus I'm in a constant state of Philately and ready to go!

Love,

Autumn