So #1. Mike's longest and best friend , Tim Sandor, committed suicide in December. It was awful. It was SO awful. I am not going to get into specifics of how or why, but suffice it to say none of us were expecting it and he was a beautiful, sweet, talented and successful man. Tim left behind a little 12 yr. old son (named Michael, after my husband), a devestated mother, sisters, step father, girlfriend and many, many friends. As if the loss of Tim wasn't sad enough, family members and loved ones almost immediately began vying for his belongings. We saw selfishness like you would not believe, and we tried to step in to make sure Tim's mother Snow especially would not get shut out, but our efforts failed and after praying and taking counsel with Pete & Rosa (Mike's parents) we politely withdrew. We stayed withdrawn until January 30, when we attended the spreading of Tim's ashes down in the Port of Los Angeles area. Watching Tim's ashes be spread and dumped into the ocean was one of the hardest things I have been through in a very, very long time. I realized by going through this experience that I do not approve of cremation and that I do value having one spot to go to in order to pay homage to the deceased. As Tim's ashes floated out into the sea and began to dissipate, we tossed roses and rose petals to make the journey with them/him. I kissed my roses and tossed them into the water, already moist from my tears. Tim had been a Navy Seal, and before we left his girlfriend said she wished she could see a dolphin to know Tim was there with us. I bowed my head and said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father asking for dolphins to come to us if there were any in the area. Nothing but sea lions and masses of pelicans and seagulls were around though. The boat made a wide circle around Tim's ashes and the roses, and we started back to port. The birds and sea lions followed us the entire way, which was really kind of special to me. I hoped that would be enough to lighten Tim's girlfriends heart. It seemed to help. Then she turned away to bury her face in her father's shoulder and Mike saw them. They were leaping and they were following the boat. They were a small school of dolphins and a large answer to prayers for wounded hearts. I called over the boat's engine noise to Tim's girlfriend that there were dolphins! She beamed and said she knew Tim was there, she just knew it. And my heart mended just a little bit. The denial Mike and I had both felt over the entire mess began to melt away. In a year's time, Michael will go to the temple to perform the needed work for his best friend Tim, and all will be set right for Tim, and hopefully for Michael and the rest of us, too. Even in darkness there can still be light found if we will but ask and seek.
And #2: I am in denial over my Dad's diagnosis of Alzheimers. Total denial. I have been holding this inside for quite some time so as not to cause stress in the family. Holding it inside is only causing me to have stress cankers in my mind and heart though. I just don't believe it and I am not going to hide my disbelief any longer. I will not. Hiding the way I really feel is not honest and not healthy. Does this mean I do not support my father? Of course not! I truly will always be there for my Dad no matter what. Truly. But I do not swallow all of this Alzheimer's crap. And to me it really is crap. And I know this will sound offensive, but I don't care what anyone says to me about it to try to change my mind. Hey man, they don't call in denial for nothing. And yes, it is a choice I am actively making every day. Does this have to do with the paralyzing feeling of losing the only parent I have left? Very probably in some respects, and unless you are standing in my shoes, and have lost a parent--one of the two people in your life who will always love you no matter what, and have known you since you were born, and believe in you more than you could ever believe in yourself--well then, you just do not understand this at all. And yet, even with all of THAT, (and I have given this more thought than you will ever, ever know), that still doesn't explain everything that makes this whole diagnosis unbelievable to me. And there are many, many things that I feel and think that if I was to say out loud even to most of my family members would ricochet around and hurt people. So I am exercising some needed caution in even admitting my denial at all. It is not right to explode my denial all over everyone without thinking of how it will effect everyone. I get that, I do. And yes, I have been praying and researching, and all the things I am sure you're going to want to suggest for me to do. But you guys, I just DO NOT believe it. And you can't make me, as silly and childish as I know that statement to be. So do not call me to talk to me about this. No one ever calls me anyway, so this would be a bad point to start calling me just to try to change my mind on this matter. If you cared about calling me before and talking to me, it would be okay to continue calling me. But since no one has called me before, this is not the right place to begin. If you call me, call me because you love me and want a relationship with me. NOT because my denial makes you uncomfortable.
Okay, that's probably enough ugly for one post. I only wish I hadn't allowed this to fester so much that it became this way. I'm sorry. I really am working on learning to be more honest and also to do it in correct and loving ways, but I have a long, long way to go. Please continue to be patient with me. Again, my intent is not to hurt or be selfish. I just want to be able to be real with myself. If I have offended you, please forgive me. I hope to do better by you in the future.
Love,
Autumn
10 comments:
Autumn, I think you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. I think about you everyday, I look up to you and weep with you. What a beautiful post. It heals to get it out and away from your heart. I'm so sorry for the hurt you've had, I really hope this year is a great year for you and Mike. Love you.
Stress is no fun and bottling it up just makes it boil over at some point, so I am glad you could get it out! I agree with you about cremation, makes me feel sick when I have been part of it. It is comforting to have a grave site. I still want to just be buried in a plain wooden box though, not a 10k to 20k box. I can't believe your dad got diagnosed with that! His brain was so sharp when I took History from him and I loved his class! I have watched my great-grandpa lose all memorie and now my grandpa has lost his short term and some long term memory and my dad is showing signs of losing some of his short term memory. It is very hard to watch. I have their arthritis in my kness that they all have, does that mean I am likely to lose my memory? I wonder... Hang in there, life is tough, but thankfully we can have joy!
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, Tim. That's an experience you'll never really get over. Not that you will ever really want to.
And about your Dad; I too don't believe it. I think there have been things he's struggled with as long as I've known him, that in some cases are getting worse, but I don't think the doctors have really gotten to the bottom of it. (Sorry, Jim, for talking about you instead of two you. But these thoughts are meant for you as much as for Autumn) His mind is still far superior to most peoples I know, with clarity of thought in most ways. Oh well, I've said enough.
Okay, I thought of one more thing. I've always thought of Jim as an "absent minded professor." And like so many of that kind, he is brilliant, but not always aware of what's going on around him. If that's Alzheimer's I think there must be an epidemic.
Johanna, that is EXACTLY what I keep thinking as well. Also that because he lives a pretty isolated life, he doesn't have to recall most things too quickly or exactly like he used to when he was out and about every single day. I feel like if he was to get out and interact on a more regular (read: daily) basis a lot of these "symptoms" would begin to regress pretty rapidly. Do I have proof? Nope. Just a gut feeling and what my Dad said to me last year: "If feel like if I was up hiking the Alps every day getting good exercise I wouldn't feel like this anymore." That is verbatim, and I felt the truth of it. More soon...
Autumn, this is when I wish we lived closer I would love to go to lunch so we could chat and let out all our problems. I have a tendency to bottle things up as well. We have so much in common in this post. I'm so sorry to hear about Mike's friend Tim, my thoughts are with you both.
Sadly I too lost one of my parents and was left with only one to guide me through life, so of course the thought of losing the only one is unimaginable.
Unfortunately Dave's mom is suffering with early onset Alzheimer's which is a little different then when people suffer in later ages, she is only 68. It started slowly about 7 years ago, and is now progressing. It has been a big stress for the family and Dave's dad is not dealing with it well at all. He is very much in denial of what is happening. In my opinion the hardest thing for him is to see his beloved wife that was so independent and so on top of things, so full of life, and just an amazing woman fall apart. Nobody wants to see their loved ones suffer, and it can be so hard.
Now please know I'm not telling you this to change your mind, because their are so many individual differences, and I do think if intervened early enough there are many things that can slow it down. There has been much research that shows that physical activity improves brain function, and that the foods we eat can stimulate the brain. Just do what you think is best, and know that the Lord, and friends are with you.
I hope this makes since and is not just a bunch of rambling.
Thank you, Shawna. I appreciated your thoughts, your personal examples and your positive suggestions a lot.
Autumn-Thank you for your thoughts. I definitely agree with you on your Dad's situation. I just hope and pray it will all be worked out soon. You an amazing woman Autumn. Keep up the hard and tireless efforts that you make in your life. You are doing it right! Love you. Lisa
I'm with ya, babe.
Except maybe on the cremation thingy. Not sure myself.
Jake
I ust found this bunch of letters tonight. It's nice to be the subject of conversation. Thanks for all the good will. A reired MD whom I Home Teach and who Hom Teaches us gave us a lengthy tract last night which says that there are some forms of Alzheimer's which can be reversed.
Please believe me when I say that I have no desire to check out early. But the possibility of has been on my mind a lot lately. This bothers me a lot, because I dont think I'm really Celestial material yet. The terrible slleepiness which I had for a few weeks seems to be dissipating now. It may be that I only had to build up tolerance to one of the many (many) pills which the Veteran's Administration has been trying to choke me with. I mean it! After I've had that huge handful of pilss each morning, I'm not hungry for another two hours!
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