"There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting."
So true. Most times I find myself bit by the green monster. Being content and happy with ourselves is a hard thing to master. Just remember that there are people who are jealous of you! ;) Big hug!
I love you girls both so much. I have to admit I blushed to hear you both ever envied me ANYTHING. You girls are both so perfect already! I mean, wow, thank you. I suppose we and our lives must look pretty ideal to each other from afar, huh?
Mostly though, what I was talking about was that a girlfriend of mine from high school days is pregnant with her second child after having been married for about 2 1/2 years. And me? Yeah, not so much. About to have to get tested to see if there are medical issues holding me back from having kids or if the divinely ordered stars just haven't aligned correctly for us yet. It's kind of hard to talk about if you want to know the truth. No one else in the family seems to have the same problem that I know of, and it makes me feel broken or misshapen or flawed in some fundamental way, even though my heart whispers it isn't so. So yeah, sometimes it is hard not to get jealous for a couple of minutes before I get distracted back to the good things I do have. Any do not mistake me, I am actively happy a majority of the time, I promise. :) If I wasn't happy, I wouldn't want or deserve to bring children into this world, right?
Anyway, thanks again for writing back when I gave you so little fodder with which to reply. I love you both very much.
So, I'm going to echo Mary and Heidi and add my own thoughts. I struggle with jealousy too. Today, in fact, I'm jealous of my neighbor who gets to spend every holiday with her parents, brothers, and sisters, and whose children get to have a huge cousin sleep-over tonight because they all live in this area. Sigh.
When we first found out about Ellen's hip problems, I had never heard of hip displaysia, didn't know anyone who had gone through it, and I felt very scared and alone. In searching online, I found a yahoo group devoted entirely to hip displaysia. There were lots and lots of people whose children were having surgeries and wearing huge casts. Every day there were new comments and questions. I never did post my own thoughts, but it helped me so much to hear that other people were thinking and doing the same things as me.
I'm not saying that I know how you are feeling, or that I know how to fix your problems. But, I do know of many, many people who are wanting to have babies and aren't for one reason or another. I feel that there is strength, or at least comfort, in numbers.
I don't know if you wanted to hear any of this from me. I love you so much, and just wanted to share my thoughts with you.
Yes, Aimee, I do want to what you have to say. Always. I haven't thought of going to a site like that before simply because I don't think I wanted to belong to a group. Belonging to a group would make it real, and I haven't really been willing to admit it was bothering me to that point before today. But it is. So I will start looking into that insightful idea very shortly. Thank you for suggesting it. :) I'll be sure to blog about it all soon. Suppose I was just testing the waters on how deep I was prepared to go with this new-found honesty I keep talking about. Sometimes as I peel the protective layers of my denial back I find the honest, still pink layers of honesty beneath to be quite tender. Know what I mean, chili bean? Onwards nonetheless...! I am, after all, amongst those I trust and love. Good place in which to find one's self. The best.
In the meantime, O Precious One, any influence you can have on Dante will be much appreciated. He seems to be getting a pretty good upbrining generally speaking, but I heard him say this summer that "I'm not that religious, you know." I absolutely know the Church is true, and I wish mightily for a chance to teach him the Gospel, rather than a whirlwind visit in which we must see as much and as many people as possible. He's great at personal prayer, though, so I guess Sheryl and I have gotten that much done.
I haven't been praying specifically for your fertility to be assured, but, now that I realize how much it means to you, I'll start. It's possible that you're being protected. I remember Michael Huntington saying to your mama,"Please don't help me put out my campfire by throwing gasoline on it." Pregnancy releases hormones which feed her type of cancer. So all my prayers will include a big HOWEVER clause, because you mean more to me than the delightful possibility of yet another beautiful baby coming into my life. Love, Dad
6 comments:
So true. Most times I find myself bit by the green monster. Being content and happy with ourselves is a hard thing to master. Just remember that there are people who are jealous of you! ;) Big hug!
Exactly what Mary said. I find myself jealous of you sometimes. Just know that you are completely wonderful.
I love you girls both so much. I have to admit I blushed to hear you both ever envied me ANYTHING. You girls are both so perfect already! I mean, wow, thank you. I suppose we and our lives must look pretty ideal to each other from afar, huh?
Mostly though, what I was talking about was that a girlfriend of mine from high school days is pregnant with her second child after having been married for about 2 1/2 years. And me? Yeah, not so much. About to have to get tested to see if there are medical issues holding me back from having kids or if the divinely ordered stars just haven't aligned correctly for us yet. It's kind of hard to talk about if you want to know the truth. No one else in the family seems to have the same problem that I know of, and it makes me feel broken or misshapen or flawed in some fundamental way, even though my heart whispers it isn't so. So yeah, sometimes it is hard not to get jealous for a couple of minutes before I get distracted back to the good things I do have. Any do not mistake me, I am actively happy a majority of the time, I promise. :) If I wasn't happy, I wouldn't want or deserve to bring children into this world, right?
Anyway, thanks again for writing back when I gave you so little fodder with which to reply. I love you both very much.
Love,
Auty
So, I'm going to echo Mary and Heidi and add my own thoughts. I struggle with jealousy too. Today, in fact, I'm jealous of my neighbor who gets to spend every holiday with her parents, brothers, and sisters, and whose children get to have a huge cousin sleep-over tonight because they all live in this area. Sigh.
When we first found out about Ellen's hip problems, I had never heard of hip displaysia, didn't know anyone who had gone through it, and I felt very scared and alone. In searching online, I found a yahoo group devoted entirely to hip displaysia. There were lots and lots of people whose children were having surgeries and wearing huge casts. Every day there were new comments and questions. I never did post my own thoughts, but it helped me so much to hear that other people were thinking and doing the same things as me.
I'm not saying that I know how you are feeling, or that I know how to fix your problems. But, I do know of many, many people who are wanting to have babies and aren't for one reason or another. I feel that there is strength, or at least comfort, in numbers.
I don't know if you wanted to hear any of this from me. I love you so much, and just wanted to share my thoughts with you.
Love,
Aimee
Yes, Aimee, I do want to what you have to say. Always. I haven't thought of going to a site like that before simply because I don't think I wanted to belong to a group. Belonging to a group would make it real, and I haven't really been willing to admit it was bothering me to that point before today. But it is. So I will start looking into that insightful idea very shortly. Thank you for suggesting it. :) I'll be sure to blog about it all soon. Suppose I was just testing the waters on how deep I was prepared to go with this new-found honesty I keep talking about. Sometimes as I peel the protective layers of my denial back I find the honest, still pink layers of honesty beneath to be quite tender. Know what I mean, chili bean? Onwards nonetheless...! I am, after all, amongst those I trust and love. Good place in which to find one's self. The best.
In the meantime, O Precious One, any influence you can have on Dante will be much appreciated. He seems to be getting a pretty good upbrining generally speaking, but I heard him say this summer that "I'm not that religious, you know." I absolutely know the Church is true, and I wish mightily for a chance to teach him the Gospel, rather than a whirlwind visit in which we must see as much and as many people as possible. He's great at personal prayer, though, so I guess Sheryl and I have gotten that much done.
I haven't been praying specifically for your fertility to be assured, but, now that I realize how much it means to you, I'll start. It's possible that you're being protected. I remember Michael Huntington saying to your mama,"Please don't help me put out my campfire by throwing gasoline on it." Pregnancy releases hormones which feed her type of cancer. So all my prayers will include a big HOWEVER clause, because you mean more to me than the delightful possibility of yet another beautiful baby coming into my life.
Love,
Dad
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