Waiting

I have to write. I cannot sleep. My heart is full to the spilling out point and I can find no thoughts or words to make it better. My Grandad just had a major stroke and the outlook is grim.

My Cousin Jennifer called me to let me know and it took a minute for it to sink in properly. Then Dad & Sheryl called. Then I went down to tell Michael and I broke down completely. Michael is sicker than a dog right now, but quickly jumped out of bed to hold me while I sobbed. I put Mike back to bed and came back upstairs to call my brother Hyrum. Then my brother Miles and his wife Bonnie called Hyrum, too. Then I called my in-laws, Rosa and Pete, and lost it all over again. And then...and then there was nothing to do but begin waiting.

It feels like this ache in my chest will not allow me to take full breaths. And it isn't even that I am shocked by all of this so much as I so determinedly do not want it to happen. Grandad has been there my whole life. He's my other Daddy. My Grandaddy. He's never once judged me in my whole entire flawed life. He used to write me letters when I first moved away to California. I used to sit in his office window at the radio station and eat a Snickers bar while I waited for him to get off work. Then we'd walk home to my house together, too. The time I hit the kitten when I was driving in the car a couple of years ago, he pulled me into his lap and let me cry while he smoothed my hair and told me he understood. He's just always been there. Always. And I knew he was getting ready to leave when he kept telling me (and everyone else) that he was holding on for last month's family reunion, but I didn't let myself truly believe it. And now here I am waiting and waiting...to say a goodbye my heart refuses to admit necessary.

Please Heavenly Father, help me stop being so selfish and let him go. I know I have been indulged for almost 33 years of having him always be there. And you're right, he's tired and worthy to move onto something more. I just don't want to let him go. I love him so much and so does every living soul who has ever met him. I worry for my Aunts and Uncles and my Dad to have to loose their Papa. And my Gran. My grandparents have always been this perfectly matching set. My heart breaks when I think of their loss compared to my own. I again realize I am being selfish and thinking too much of myself in the wake of his loss. But I still can't help it, and I continue to weep as I wait.

And I continue to feel thanks for the amazing person the Lord allowed me to have as my Grandaddy. I have never met another person like him, but because of him I know what goodness is possible in human beings. And I continue to seek those traits in those I meet and know.

I know my Mama is waiting to greet him, as are his parents and his brother Herman and his baby son Joel...and all the many, many, many relatives for whom he so faithfully and happily traced their geneology, and for whom he made possible and/or performed the sacred temple ordinances. He is gonna be just as popular in Heaven as he ever was here, now that I think of it. And that is how it should be.

I need to be better. To do better. I want to spend eternity with my family members, and especially be able to never be parted from my Grandaddy again. And so I need to be not just good but valiant and anxiously engaged in a good cause. I realize I have been skating by on good for a long time now and not really straining to better myself. This is a wake up call like no other.

Oh Grandad, Grandad, Grandad! Even in all my tears and stubbornness I have to admit to feeling the peace of the Spirit. I do feel it, and I think that's half the reason I am crying so hard! And I want to tell you thank you for making it possible for me to even know what the Spirit IS. If you and Gran hadn't joined the Church all those years ago we wouldn't be the family we are today. And what an amazing family we have become under your guys' guidance. I love that I know who all my cousins are, and have more of a brother and sister relationship with them than of cousins. I love knowing their kids' names and personalities, too. I love most of all that each of them carry pieces of you and Gran in them, too. You taught us well what "Family" means and we will NOT forget it. We love being your family members with all that that entails and blesses.

I know you are leaving us, Grandad. But I know we are not really losing you just because we can no longer climb into your lap or give each other kisses goodnight or enjoy a bowl of ice cream together...it's just that I am going to miss you so much!!!! We all will.

I love you forever and ever and I will always be "your girl", your "water nazi" and one of your many "secret favorites". Don't give up on me. I won't let you down. We'll see each other again when it's time. I would have liked to have you hold our little baby girl before you had to go, but maybe you'll get to squeeze her and love her before we meet her now. I don't know how those things work exactly, but I like the idea of it a lot.

I guess what I am trying to muster up the courage to say is "Goodbye, Grandaddy". Thank you for always making me feel so full of worth and splendor. I cherish you and our memories we were always making together. This isn't everything I want to say, but it's a good start while I wait... I carry you in my heart until we can be together again. I love you so much, Grandad!

Love,

Your Aubie

Whims of Change

So many things are changing right now. And yet, so many things remain the same. Wow, that is such a generic beginning there might not be hope for this posting. Let's try again: I guess I am getting hyper-analytical over how much my life is about to change, and how everyone and their dogs are telling me the changes are unfathomable until they come. "There's no way to prepare so don't bother. Just know your life will never be the same." That kind of stuff. And most of it is spoken with the intent of stressing that it will for the majority be the best change ever. That part is cool. It's just that I am afraid I am going to lose myself in this process of having a baby, and as narcissistic as it sounds, I like myself and do not want to be parted from said self!

I heard a long, long, looooong time ago that unless you enjoy your own company you will never be able to truly enjoy the company of others. That statement really struck home to me and I decided, as an innate philanthropist, to give myself permission to learn to like myself in non-egotistical ways to be better company to those I love. Now, I'm not saying my balance between ego and self-liking has always been in balance/proportion to what my goals have been, but for the most part, well, I have been happy with myself. There are still millions of things I would like to fine tune and improve, but I have developed enough respect and honor for myself to be able to say I truly like myself and enjoy my "me" time.

Aha! And that is where I know you parents out there are probably chuckling and shaking your heads a bit at me. " 'Me Time', what is THAT?" you might be thinking with an audible sigh. Or "Pshaw! Get ready for a major wake up call." Right? Right. And I get that--as much as I can before the baby gets here, of course. It's just hard to embrace such a total change! More and more I am having these little lightbulbs go off in my pregnancy fogged brain and they are most startling indeed! ha ha. Here are a few for your laughing pleasure (and mine for future naivete referencing):

• GASP! We can go to the Harry Potter movie in November, no problem. But **double gasp** we will need a BABYSITTER for the last HP movie next summer! Oh my living HEART! (Being the responsible future parent that I am though, I booked a sitter this past Wednesday to cover me on opening HP night in July 2011. Phew! What a load off my mind that is!)
• Numbers on the scale going up week by week is a GOOD THING....? Um...yeah?
• Clothing sizes increasing is NORMAL and to be encouraged. No further comment at this time...
• Sleep will become a LUXURY. Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy!!!! *sniff* *sniff*
• I no longer need to constantly try to suck my stomach in for healthy back support because it is now impossible to do it. I can't. At. All. But hilariously enough I keep feeling myself try to anyway! What a dork, huh? ha ha ha!
• It may be a very long time before I again finish a book or series of books. This is a bone chilling concept for me, the bookworm girl.
• I will completely lose track of everything going on on Facebook and blogs with all of you...and will have no time/energy to back track and catch up!
• Mike and I will never be just the two of us again! If we want to go out of town...yeah...or to the movies...or grocery store at midnight...yeah...not going to happen like it used to!
• Next year I will need a Halloween costume for an 8 month old! WOAH!!!!! Weirdness!

Okay, okay so you're getting the gist, right? I think the whole Harry Potter thing was the first jolt (dare I say lightening bolt? ha ha ha) to my brain, and they're beginning to come more and more often now...at least to me. I don't think Michael really has a clue yet, poor guy. ;)

So love us in our cluelessness, wish us luck, and be sure to tell us what other things we can anticipate changing (besides diapers, of course).

Love,
Auty

Miss you, Mama

Dear Mama,
I've wanted so much to talk to you lately. I know we sometimes go months between the thoughts I send to you as the years stretch between when we were last together. I know that. Truthfully, sometimes you don't feel real to me simply because you've been gone for so long. But really, I do know you're always there even if I don't always send you loving thoughts.

But lately...lately things are suddenly very different. I feel your absence again like a gaping hole I cannot fathom filling. I miss you! I cry again and again to think that you are not here to be with me as I am carrying this baby girl. I just miss you in ways I had convinced myself could no longer apply after almost 19 years apart. I want to be able to call you when the baby kicks me. I want to watch as you place you own hand on my stomach to feel her move, and we both look up to share a priceless moment together. I can imagine how excited you would be at her coming, and the many countless ways you would express that excitement in words and sweet, creative deeds.

Everyone around me is being so great and spoiling me in ways I know you'd appreciate if you were here to discuss them as they happen. I know I am out of line in wanting you to be here, and resenting your absence so much when it was 100% not your wish to leave us in the first place. I'm not angry with you or even with Heavenly Father. I just find myself comparing those around me to you, and it isn't fair to them most of the time.

Mike's mom, Rosa, came with me to that freaky state required dr. appointment last Tuesday, and part of me was very grateful...but part of me wanted you to be there with us, too. It seemed so unfair that she and I could be there and you could not as we waited to see if the baby was a boy or a girl. I mean, I knew you already knew since you kinda have the best seats in the house for things like that right now, but still. And then when the doctor told me there might be a hole in our baby girl's heart...Mama, my heart cried out to you like I was three years old and lost on the playground! WHERE WERE YOU??? What should I do?! Where should I go so I could be with you and feel that comfort that only you as my mama can give?

Here's the thing, Mama. I know what to do when it's only me that has to get through something and survive. But this whole baby thing is a horse of a different color. Selfish, hardened parts of me that usually take over to get me through tough spots just don't cut it now like they always have before. I am weak and uninformed, humbled and scared. I am like a child again; An experience both sweet and bittersweet to my soul. And you know something? Like a child, I want to share both sides of this with you. I want you to kiss my owies and join my in my joys! I want you to tell me that no matter what, everything will be okay. Somehow you saying those words carries more weight than hearing it from someone else.

Mama, I am trying to be good and to turn to the Lord in all these things. Believe me, losing you taught me that lesson long, long ago and it stuck permanently. But sometimes a girl needs her Mama, and so here I am. Still. Forever. Missing You.

Dad and Sheryl sent me the sweetest box of all my old baby clothes the other day. Sure made my day and I ached all over again wishing we could have talked and laughed over the things I used to say and do when I wore all those cute little outfits. Some of the clothes even turned out to be Joseph's and maybe even Hyrum's. I wish you were here to help me know what belongs to whom! I am going to send Joseph's clothes to Mary for safe keeping.

Which reminds me: You sure would love our Mary and Bonnie if you were here, Mama! They are both the sweetest girls and they adore your sons like no other and take care of them so well! There are moments every single time I am with each of them that make me think immediately of you. Sometimes it's something they say, other times it's something they do, but it is consistent and I adore them for it.

I heard a song while I was driving on the way to work today and I decided as the tears began to stream down my cheeks it's gonna be our song for now. You can sing it to me, and I will sing it to you... 'til the sun comes out again for both of us.

As I Lay Me Down

(Sophie B. Hawkins)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qE-1RiIPKAI

It felt like springtime on this February morning

In the courtyard birds were singing your praise

I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright

I carried them with me today, Now

(chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep

This I pray

That you will hold me dear

Though I'm far away

I'll whisper your name into the sky

And I will wake up happy

I wonder why I feel so high

Though I am not above the sorrow

Heavy hearted

Till you call my name

And it sounds like church bells

Or the whistle of a train

On a summer evening

I'll run to meet you

Barefoot barely breathing

(repeat chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

It's not too near for me

Like a flower I need the rain

Though it's not clear to me

Every season has its change

And I will see you

When the sun comes out again

(repeat chorus)

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

'til the sun comes out again,

'til the sun comes out again...

I will wake up happy.

I love you, Mama. I know you'd be here with me if you could, and that you are with me in the ways that you can be. I recognize your presence and influence in the kind deeds of those who are around me, loving me. And even though missing you hurts, it also somehow brings you closer to me than you've felt in years, and I take great comfort it our long overdue reconnection. I know the pain of separation will not always feel so strong as it does right now, and eventually I will need to let you slip farther away from me once again. I know that, Mama. It's just kind of nice to have you Home with me right now. Thank you for that. I love you so much.

With all my love forever,

Your Aubey

P.S. If you have any name suggestions for the baby please find a way to get them to me? I hope she has your curly hair!

Seasonal Mood Swings and Things

Okay, so the summer is all but over and I have been pretty much silent (and sick) through it all. Apologies, apologies. I had true intentions to attempt to recap my summer, but alas, my excitement lags as I try to go back and recreate the memories. Don't get me wrong, there are awesome memories in there. I'm just not that ambitious today.

However, now that the autumnal season approaches--and my morning sickness abates-- I am feeling a renewal of energies and excitement. There's just something about fall, isn't there? I always get excited the first time I feel that slight crispness in the air and reach out for a thick, furry sweater. I immediately want it to be Halloween and to decorate for Christmas! Yes, simultaneously, ha ha. Oh, oh! And I want to bake and put my house in order, too! Even my nose seeks a change as I find myself seeking out cinnamons, vanillas and spices rather than the strawberries, melons and satsumas of summer. How 'bout you? Do you find the change of seasons invigorating, too, or are you whistful for the summer days gone by so soon?

And now for an abrupt subject change. Thank you.

All seems to be going well with the baby so far. Last week I had a bit of an uncomfortable experience though when I was required by the State of California to submit myself to genetic counseling and an unscheduled ultrasound because, according to "them", my baby is at higher risk (1 in 58) for Downs Syndrome. Um, okay. Upsetting. And then Michael suddenly coudn't go with me to the appointment, so I took my mother-in-law Rosa with me just so I wouldn't have to go it alone.

The genetic counseling part was weird. I was there for Down Syndrome counseling, but the chick (Meredith) got completely side tracked by the rampant breast cancer that runs through my mom's side of the family. She was extremely alarmed and couldn't seem to get back to the Downs Syndrome stuff for more than a couple of minutes at a time. I assured her I fully grasped the severity of the San Andreas fault line sized streak of breast cancer in my family. (Small gripe: I don't know why people always think they need to remind me of it; like I haven't grown up my entire life under the shadow of the thing! Just because I come across as calm does not mean I am not being vigilent about my check ups, etc.)

Okay but back to the Downs Syndrome stuff. So Meredith said that some of my bloodwork numbers came back as a little too high and/or too low and that that can sometimes mean the unborn child is at higher risk for Downs. Great. The only way to know for sure is to do the amniocentesis (sp?), and I was very, very against that. My girlfriend Trisha Rainey had just had one the week before and had a horrendous experience, so that got me running scared. Trisha was put on bed rest for a week after her "amnio" and said she could barely move and felt sick. And she looked really pale and waxy when Mike and I took dinner into her family that week. So yeah, I was scared and Michael was not there to discuss it with him either. Lovely. Meredith did say that I would be offered another chance at the amnio after the ultrasound that followed, so I just signed "No" when she offered it to me. She also stressed that if the baby did have Downs we would most likely be able to tell by several red flags in the ultrasound (i.e., shortened arms and legs, a gap in the spine, brightness in the bowel regions and heart problems).

So next we were off to have the ultrsound performed. Rosa and I were a little bit stoked just because I was 18 weeks along and we were relatively sure we'd be able to determine the baby's gender (and we were right!). Within just a few minutes we had discovered we were totally wrong about one thing though: we were NOT having a baby boy! I was completely and utterly shocked. I had been so sure, ha ha ha!

Back to the ultrasound though. The sonographer (I think that's what they call 'em?), Dana, moved quickly through the list of things to check for: brightness in bowels? Nope. Gap in spine? Nope. Shortened limbs. Nope. Problem with the heart? Hm...not sure. So she called the Doctor (Jadali) in... and he pushed very aggressively... and literally pounded on my belly to make the baby move more and more...and eventually said he thought there might be a small hole in the heart. Thought there might be? Then he said it would most likely close on it's own as the baby continues to develop. Hm. So did I want the amnio, or not?

Back tracking a bit, after the genetic counseling with Meredith I had taken a quick trip to the little chicks room to ensure an empty bladder for the ultrasound. I was really nervous I had made a mistake by signing "no" and I wasn't allowed the time to step out to try to call Michael, so I did the only other thing I could think of: I knelt down on the bathroom floor and said a prayer. I told Heavenly Father I had decided against the amnio. That I really didn't think I needed it, was afraid of it, and could not afford to take the time off from work for the required day or two minimum required bed rest after the procedure. I asked that if I was wrong in my decision he would make it very obvious to me AND to Rosa with strong evidence of Downs in the ultrasound and/or a strong impression from the Holy Ghost.

So back to the question: Yes or no to the amnio? I chose "No" again, and Rosa agreed with me. I felt calm about it and the Dr. said that there were only two reasons I even needed to consider it in the first place: 1. If I would abort the baby if she had Downs (which I would not, for the record), and 2. If I would make myself sick with worry about knowing (which I have not).

For those of you cringing over the decision I made last week, don't worry. I still have two or three weeks to change my mind. I see my OB/GYN (Dr. Galitz) on Sept. 21st and plan to discuss it more at length with him. And pray more about it. I feel so out of my element with all of this, you guys! The thing I wonder about is if I made a rookie mistake just because I didn't know any better. I welcome your thoughts. I felt good about the decision I made last week when I made it, but from time to time go back to ponder over it all. I just wish I had even known the amnio would be discussed and offered to me when I went in last week! I had never even heard of the amnio until Trisha's horror of the week before and had no clue what to expect from the visit to Dr. Jadali's. I try so hard to always educate myself in all areas and I guess my blatant ignorance embarrasses me in this situation.

And here's the real truth: I wish my mama was alive so she could have helped me through this. She would have known what to expect. She would have gone with me. She would know what I needed to hear and even how to say it to me. My mama would have been there for me so I wouldn't have to feel so alone. And I feel sorry for myself even a week later as I sit here typing with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes in my work cubicle.

So that's where things stand for right now. Our baby girl might have a small hole in her heart. Our baby girl might have Downs Syndrome. And I am just here waiting to see how things pan out. My heart tells me everything is going to be okay, and I think that's why I am able to not dwell on it too much. I would really love and appreciate your thoughts and prayers in the meantime though.

Love,

Autumn