As ominous as I realize this post title is, I also know it to be true. More and more I realize that I have been portraying only the most mellow, normal, mainstream version of myself in this blog. After years of fighting to change my image to others from that of a Drama Queen and/or Wild Child, or what have you, I wanted to prove to myself that once I settled down I could be just as normal as anyone else. But here's the deal: I am not normal. Ha! Well, ha, I'm really not! And I'm good with that!
Until recently I've never felt that way or wanted to be normal. Rather, for as long as I can remember, I've been one to strive for a place to shine as "unique". I've always felt I had something a little extra to be/give/do--and not at all in an "I'm better than you" way. I just know. I have always felt the need to fulfill. To a certain extent I believe each person has these same feelings, and rightly so! We are all uniquely ourselves and have our individual talents and missions in this Life. So, in that respect I suppose I am ironically "normal", ha.
Nevertheless, I can no longer pretend to be a normal little housewife or worker bee. I just can't do it. I have been seeking your approval in each of my posts, and I allowed that to morph my unique voice into something pretty boring in an effort not to shock or offend or bore or stretch credulity, or, or, well, whatever! I just haven't been being myself properly. There are things I have been wanting to say for my entire life that I have been hiding. There are boring hobbies I adore and have kept in the shadows. There are quirks and habits and talents and thoughts of which none of you fine people are aware. And I want you to be.
If this sounds like something you'd like to be a part of, great, and if not, that's okay, too. I will only say that I will at times discuss things that you might not care for, or that may be troubling, or that will just plain bore your little noggins to death. And guys, I will not apologize. If we are are going to be friends and family I want to be able to say the truth to you and be open about things. The main thing is that I want you to know who I really am. I am probably about 97% the person you believe you know, so that self same 97% of me will still be here for familiarity's sake when all else fails, don't worry. :)
So much of my choices in my Life have been fear based, and I am going to obliterate that habit. I am teaching myself that what others think of me isn't usually as bad as I imagine it will be. I am learning to trust others to love me instead of assuming they will judge me harshly or intentionally misunderstand my own intentions and words. This blog is my journey and my journal of progress. And I will progress. I want the cobwebs and shadows out and the sunshine and truth in.
No doubt I have put some of you on edge just by hinting that some posts may not be all roses and sunshine. Try not to worry about it. I'm not going to just start dumping darkness! I like light way too much for that! However, if and when appropriate, I am merely giving myself permission to speak to you, my family and friends, with candor. (Did I spell that right, by the way?) You see, to me, each person is a beautifully cut diamond. We all sparkle the most when we are brought into the light. And the more we turn our diamonds in the light, exposing our many, varied, and unique facets, the more we can appreciate the true and actual beauty of our Lives.
Do you see what it is I am trying to say and do a little better now? I hope so. And if not, well, just stick around and remember to keep hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times...(ha ha ha).
Okay, cool. I feel good about all of this. Thanks. I'll be talking more--and better--with you soon.
I love you, you know.
Love,
Autumn
8 comments:
Good for you Autumn!! I'm excited to hear from the real you! Love you sister!
Thanks, Mary! Part of this decision has to do with our recently unearthed misunderstandings of each other. I want to thank you again for being so honest with me despite how emotional and hard it was. I love you and look forward to sharing more of my thoughts with you. I appreciate your enthusiasm and support more than you may know. Love you. Stay tuned.
So we don't have to wonder what's on the locked (was it green blanket?) side? Doubt it will shock anybody that still waters run deep.
Good for you! I love having those aw-ah moments. I look forward to hearing more from you. BTW we have a blog too if you ever want to read my ramblings. :) www.drichardsblog.blogspot.com
Some of us make so bold as to imagine that we DO know the real you and are pleased as punch with you just as you are. I guess I missed the unearthing of the great misunderstandings. Sorry. I'm usually unaware of what's going on around me. But since I love this whole family, I can only say that I hope everyone is being nice to everyone. At a stake conference I once attended when my children were still pretty small, Hartman Rector, Jr. said that all we really need to do in order to obtain exaltaltion is to continue to do two things: "Repent and Be Nice." He said it several times, so I got the impression he meant it. But we have to do those two things all our lives. The way he said it, it sounded sort of possible!
Chica, this is wonderful! I can't wait to get to know even more of you! What an exciting thought!!! Love you!!!
Heh, well I wasn't going to say anything, but... :-)
FYI, I was always interested in the saucy bookworm. It feels great to move towards more openness and authenticity, eh? ;-)
I like the open and honest posts the best. That's not always easy to do but I would love to see who you truly are! Hugs.
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