I haven’t blogged in years. I mean, who out there still blogs?! The truth is, I actually don’t know. Maybe lots of people still do. In my mind, we all shifted over to social media platforms and podcasts a long time ago. So maybe that’s why it feels quiet and safe to start blogging again. Like a fawn venturing out of the safety of the forest walls, here I timidly stand. Sensing for danger and unknowns, here I go, yo. I am assuming (hoping?) no one will notice, ha ha.
So let’s chat. Because I am not in a good place. I have lost my gardening ju-ju. Like, I just stopped watering or even going outside to check on my zillions of plants. And I did that not just any ol’ time, but in August, in Los Angeles. Just casually walked my carefully collected and cared for plants to the fiery gates of purgatory and essentially said, “This is you. I can’t. So, yeah…bye.”
I am heartbroken. Some of them have died! I mean, OF COURSE THEY FREAKING DID! But my drive is just gone. And apparently it has to do with a facet of my (recently diagnosed) ADHD. That particular chestnut? Hyperfixation, baby. It’s a thing, and yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. You become obsessed, and like Arnold Lobel’s “Small Pig”, you soak down into the good, soft muddy minutiae of whatever has caught your fancy. Often, it’s just for a few weeks, but yes, sometimes it’s also for years. And then for whatever reason, *poof!*, it’s gone. I’m too new to all of this to know if executive disfunction somehow plays a role, but it feels exactly like that sometimes. I know I should be itching to be outside. But there is instead an aching void and/or no link to any desire. Zip, nada, nothing.
So there I was, with 100+ varieties of roses, right? And well, here I still am, minus 4 or 5 of those roses. Because liquid hot magma sunshine and no water for weeks. Some days I have crippling guilt. Others days I don’t even think about it very much. But it’s gross, guys. I hate it. And I can’t. And I don’t want to. And it’s gross, guys. And I hate it. Oh. ♾️
You know what made my almost cry today though? My kiddo sent me out to water (yes, my 7 year old), and I found my freaking ‘Martha Stewart’ rose blooming. BLOOMING, you guys. 🥺 Like, HOW??? And also things like HUH? and WHY?! And the teensiest little bit of sarcastic guffawing because of COURSE it would be Martha friggin’ Stewart who would overachieve, right? 🤣🤣🤣
So I came inside just now and Googled ‘Is there a way to get back into a hyperfixation?’ And yeah, there’s sadly nothing very solid there, from the whole, heavy, sweeping 1-2 minutes I took to speed read links on Reddit and questions frequently asked. But there are some decent suggestions and a lot of talk about forgiving yourself if you can’t. And the thing that helped me the most was just experiencing the solidarity of how many other people had asked the same question. After that, also seeing how many other people added their voices and caring into the mix. And it made me want very much to add mine. Just in case something I said here today blooms, and against the odds, reaches someone the way my little ‘Martha Stewart’ rose reached me today. I care, my fellow ADHD’er. I care so much and I hope you can get it back—whatever your specific ‘it’ is. I’m going to take the advice so freely given once Googled, and see if I can look at things from a different angle; find a new way to catch the old spark. I’m going to vocalize my genuine struggles of ennui and apathy. I am going to ask those who can, to help me keep going through the movements in the meantime. And I am going to watch for sparks. Because I have to believe that at some point there will be. And if my eyes are up and scanning the horizon for it, I will once again see it light up my heart and my Hyperfixation. 🤞🏼
