Beginning Signs of Life

I honestly haven’t looked to see exactly how long it’s been since my last posting, but I think it’s been about two weeks? I have used the ache in me, the encouragement of my family, and the prayers of a dear friend to whom I had confided, and made some progress. My flame is sadly still out. However, I have gone from just basic watering and the bare minimum of ‘Keeping Things Alive’ most days to the next chapter of ‘Going for Blooms’. And I have felt the slightest tickle of a spark. Some of these roses are astoundingly resilient! Like, one week of semi-decent watering, and they are already budding and some have even actually bloomed. (And yes, Martha Stewart is one of them, ha ha! You knew she would be, right?)

There is also something quietly yet brightly beautiful happening in my front garden. Suddenly tons of things I planted years ago have popped up to bloom at the exact same time. Bright red ‘Hot Lips’ salvia, explosive yellow goldenrod, the warm half rainbow of lantana, little frothy pink heads of Valerian, velvety purple sage spikes and the ultraviolet glow of Verbena bonariensis are suddenly blooming in incredible harmonic resplendence! You guys, IT IS SO PRETTYYYYY!

And if you know me at all, you know it is giving me all sorts of analogies about good seeds, strong roots, and all sorts of other things. What else have I metaphorically planted within myself? Specifically, what drought tolerant things did I previously sew and nurture that can now, true to their nature, bloom unaided by me? And what else can I plant? And did you know that roses are considered to be drought tolerant when they are planted in the ground? (I did, obvs, but did you? Pretty cool, right?)

Yes, some of these roses are also beginning to bloom again. Each bloom makes me feel like crying. They are so pretty! I hope I can get my mojo back. I hope I can continue to move forward a little each day.

Roses blooming: 1-2 Julie Andrews, 3 Sexy Rexy, 4 Pat Austin, 5-6 Molineaux, 7 Violet’s Pride, 8 Snow Goose, 9 Le Petite Prince, 10 Plum Perfect.

On Saturday morning, I went outside and while listening to a two hour church conference, reclaimed a horribly weedy and overgrown space by our front door. It felt so good to do it! And it was very easy to do! And now every single time I come or go, my mind is pleased with the cleanliness and order of it all. *WIN* *tiny spark of joy*

There is still much to do, but now it feels doable. Get plants out of pots, cut the tropical milkweed back, go get tons of pansies to fill the empty spaces, maybe sew some red clover between the bricks…And weeding. Always and forevermore weeding (which was today’s little chore). Well, we shall see. Stay tuned? I feel like it’s maybe starting to come back. Maybe?

When Hyperfixation Wanes

 I haven’t blogged in years. I mean, who out there still blogs?! The truth is, I actually don’t know. Maybe lots of people still do. In my mind, we all shifted over to social media platforms and podcasts a long time ago. So maybe that’s why it feels quiet and safe to start blogging again. Like a fawn venturing out of the safety of the forest walls, here I timidly stand. Sensing for danger and unknowns, here I go, yo. I am assuming (hoping?) no one will notice, ha ha. 

So let’s chat. Because I am not in a good place. I have lost my gardening ju-ju. Like, I just stopped watering or even going outside to check on my zillions of plants. And I did that not just any ol’ time, but in August, in Los Angeles. Just casually walked my carefully collected and cared for plants to the fiery gates of purgatory and essentially said, “This is you. I can’t. So, yeah…bye.” 

I am heartbroken. Some of them have died! I mean, OF COURSE THEY FREAKING DID! But my drive is just gone. And apparently it has to do with a facet of my (recently diagnosed) ADHD. That particular chestnut? Hyperfixation, baby. It’s a thing, and yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. You become obsessed, and like Arnold Lobel’s “Small Pig”, you soak down into the good, soft muddy minutiae of whatever has caught your fancy. Often, it’s just for a few weeks, but yes, sometimes it’s also for years. And then for whatever reason, *poof!*, it’s gone. I’m too new to all of this to know if executive disfunction somehow plays a role, but it feels exactly like that sometimes. I know I should be itching to be outside. But there is instead an aching void and/or no link to any desire. Zip, nada, nothing.

So there I was, with 100+ varieties of roses, right? And well, here I still am, minus 4 or 5 of those roses. Because liquid hot magma sunshine and no water for weeks. Some days I have crippling guilt. Others days I don’t even think about it very much. But it’s gross, guys. I hate it. And I can’t. And I don’t want to. And it’s gross, guys. And I hate it. Oh. ♾️ 

You know what made my almost cry today though? My kiddo sent me out to water (yes, my 7 year old), and I found my freaking ‘Martha Stewart’ rose blooming. BLOOMING, you guys. 🥺 Like, HOW???  And also things like HUH? and WHY?! And the teensiest little bit of sarcastic guffawing because of COURSE it would be Martha friggin’ Stewart who would overachieve, right? 🤣🤣🤣

So I came inside just now and Googled ‘Is there a way to get back into a hyperfixation?’ And yeah, there’s sadly nothing very solid there, from the whole, heavy, sweeping 1-2 minutes I took to speed read links on Reddit and questions frequently asked. But there are some decent suggestions and a lot of talk about forgiving yourself if you can’t. And the thing that helped me the most was just experiencing the solidarity of how many other people had asked the same question. After that, also seeing how many other people added their voices and caring into the mix. And it made me want very much to add mine. Just in case something I said here today blooms,  and against the odds, reaches someone the way my little ‘Martha Stewart’ rose reached me today. I care, my fellow ADHD’er. I care so much and I hope you can get it back—whatever your specific ‘it’ is. I’m going to take the advice so freely given once Googled, and see if I can look at things from a different angle; find a new way to catch the old spark. I’m going to vocalize my genuine struggles of ennui and apathy. I am going to ask those who can, to help me keep going through the movements in the meantime. And I am going to watch for sparks. Because I have to believe that at some point there will be. And if my eyes are up and scanning the horizon for it, I will once again see it light up my heart and my Hyperfixation. 🤞🏼