I keep having this sinking feeling that I should have been better chronicling my first pregnancy. And yet, when I pause to reflect on what it is I want to remember, my foggy brain goes *blank*. Lovely. My mind then gently reminds me that if I was journaling daily as I used to, this forgetfulness would no longer really be an issue, as the details of life and pregnancy would naturally flow and be captured in the day's snapshot entry. So true.
I know part of the reason I feel the tug so strongly to journal is that I want Penelope to know about my pregnancy in case I am not around when she gets to have her own babies some day. ( I am not being morbid--I just think this way naturally as a reflex since I have been living this way for so many years, myself.) I cannot tell you how many, many times I have wanted to know something about my own Mama's pregnancies, or about her pregnancy specifically with me, or something about my own birth and not been able to get the answer since she is not here. Here are some things I want to know from my Mama:
- Did you have morning sickness with all four of us? If so, for how long typically? What things helped with the sickness? Were there different things each time, or did the same things seem to help every time?
- Did you carry me differently (higher, lower, wider, etc.) than you carried the boys? Who was the most active? Who gave you the worst morning sickness? Tell me everything!
- Besides your craving for green apples, what else can you tell me about your pregnancy with me? Did you think I was a girl or a boy?
- Who made me the green blanket I loved so much? Was it you?
- Will you tell me the story of my birth from labor to delivery? I remember certain parts of the story, but not like you would.
- Did you ever gain much weight in your pregnancies? The pictures don't seem to show you did, but I'd still like to know. Also, how long did it take to lose the weight usually?
- How quickly were you able to breast feed the first time? What can you tell me about it all?
- This isn't a question, but I'd like to sit and compare my experiences with yours to see if there are any similarities. I would really, really love to be able to do that...Makes me weepy with longing--for reasons I am sure you understand, since you lost your Mama while you were young, too. And ironically, I would also like to talk to you about THAT, too, and cannot.
- Also not a question, but I feel so lost as to how and when things should be getting done in preparation for Penelope's birth. Despite best intentions, it sometimes feels as if no one is helping me the way you just naturally would have, so I am constantly having to ask people for the answers. It can sometimes feel exhausting hunting down all the "To Do's" and sorting through everyone else's opinions to find what I think (but do not know) is the best option. Let's be honest, I don't know anything at all about baby showers, registrations or anything else. I have been reading book after book after book and I feel like I still might fail my "final exam". What would you have told me? Would you be calling me as often as I tell myself you would? Would you be down here to help me get ready? In the throes of feeling sorry for myself, I have made you into some type of "woulda-shoulda-coulda" guardian angel who I am sure would have sailed in to save the day every time I have begun to even slightly panic. I tell myself you would have the words to calm me; the listening ear to hear me patiently (again and again); the wisdom and advice given before it was even required. How true is all of this?
- Do you think I will be a good mother? I know you would say yes, but I still want to hear it and all the reasons you would have for saying so. You were so unfailingly kind AND honest and my heart searches for your specific reassurances even after all these years.
Okay, so that's a tiny portion of the loop of questions playing incessantly in my mind these days. Mix that with pregnancy hormones and solitude and you get the picture of why you're not hearing from me more often--any of you. I don't know where to begin, and I don't want to be overly pitied or preached to, and I don't want to cause pain or worry to those I love, so I just stay quiet. But I am a bit unnerved. And hormonal. Don't forget hormonal, ha ha ha.
The one major blessing I feel though is something I haven't shared publicly, simply because it is so special to me that I have been guarding it almost protectively (if that makes sense). Mike and I were recently called and set apart as temple ordinance workers in the LDS Los Angeles Temple in Santa Monica. We started there about 5-6 weeks ago, and it is the most peaceful, amazing place to be able to go every Tuesday afternoon/evening. It seems like no matter what else is going on, or how many hormones I've got raging, as soon as we step onto the temple grounds my heart is at immediate peace. And I stay at peace the entire time we are there and all the drive home, and even until I collapse into bed to sleep. I have always loved the temple, but I now have such a strong testimony that it truly is God's house. It is, you guys, it IS. Standing in the Celestial Room the other day, I had the strongest impression that I was not alone, and that Grandaddy knew I was there and thinking of him. So often while I am walking in the hallways, I will have friends' or loved ones' names come into my mind, and I will stop and add their names to the prayer roll. Also, being able to hear so often the blessings and promises God has for all of His children--all of US--fills something in my soul that words alone will not, cannot do justice. Tuesdays at the temple are my new favorite thing. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Mike will be serving Tuesday evenings at the temple for the next two years and I will serve until Penelope comes (or most likely right before). If you live in our area, are LDS and have a current temple recommend, please stop by on a Tuesday evening and spend some time in the House of the Lord with us. If you're not LDS, but would like to know more OR you'd simply like to have a festive, specially guided (by yours truly) tour of the beautifully Christmas lit temple grounds and newly renovated Visitor's center, just say the word. I'm your girl. :)
So yes, I am sometimes crazily stressed about baby stuff, but I also have something even stronger and brighter that is helping me be happy and optimistic: God's Love. And that is also something I very much want to remember from this special time in my life. To those of you who make the time to send me texts, emails, Facebook messages and also give gifts of advice, hugs, kisses, baby items and/or a listening ear, you are a big part of what I consider to be the source of God's Love. Reminds me of President Dieter F. Uchdorf's talk about each of us being God's Hands. Click here if you'd like to read it. It's awesome and it's so true.
Merry Christmas everyone! May we all find ways to lift those who are in need during this special Holiday Season, that we might better remember what Christmas is all about.
Love you,
Autumn
