Sometimes

Sometimes it is hard not to be jealous.

That's about it.

Thank you.

;)

What Music Means to Me (Part One of Infinity)

Merry Christmas Everybody!!

I'd like to take a few minutes of your time today to introduce you to a special song and a special person; both have made my life and soul better and more rich.

Below is a YouTube link to my favorite version of "O Holy Night" as performed by The King's Singers with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir last Christmas. What this song does to me, words cannot duly say, but suffice it to say I feel like my heart is expanding and glowing as brightly as the New Star surely did at Our Savior's birth. By minute 4:50 my tears flow unceasingly through to the beautiful end. Someday, after all this Life is over and we're all up in Heaven, I am going to hunt down Adolphe C. Adams(music), Placido Cappeau (text), and Mack Wilberg (this amazing arrangement) and just hug them and tell them ,"Thank you so much for what your talents brought and meant to my life. Thank you for enriching my existence and reminding me of what it meant to have a true and actual Savior be born to us on the Earth. Your music and words made it real to me, and helped my testimony and my actions to be more True."

I love this music so much that I even listen to it when it's not Christmas time. If ever I am feeling low, this is now the song I turn to in my hour of need. Something about me already being on my knees in prayer strikes a particular chord within me as I hear the words

"Fall on your knees,

O hear the angel voices.

O night divine!

O night when Christ was born..."

And there really were angel voices to be heard that night so long ago. We are told in the Bible that heavenly concourses of angels sang at Jesus' birth. I had the opportunity and blessing to know one of the women who made up those concourses. Her name was Carol Lisa Jensen. Carol more than any other person in my life taught me the truest meanings of Christmas. Everyone who knew her knew how she felt about Christmas. She made it a point to make sure they did through her decorations, music, gift giving and candy making alone. I used to think she just did it because it was fun and she could. But I found out just what it meant to her one night when she pulled me aside to share her patriarchal blessing with me. I was preparing to receive my own blessing soon, and Carol felt prompted to share hers with me as she and I had been blessed to share a special mother/daughter bond with each other. I remember the feeling of honor I felt to have her share her blessing with me, and as I read I realized with wondering awe just who's presence I shared. You see, Carol really was a Christmas Angel. Her patriarchal blessing specifically spoke of her being present to sing at the Savior's birth. She was there and her Life thereafter continued to echo her special witness to His birth in all she did.

My angelic Carol has since passed away, and I am tempted to say the World is poorer for it, but that would be a lie, as she left it far, far better than she had found it. My tribute to Carol this Christmas Season is this song. I haven't forgotten you, Carol, and the Music we both love still finds my heart with you each Christmas. I still "hear your angel voice" in this song.

Please take a moment and listen to this beautiful music.

I know it's a video clip, but try just listening for the full effect.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcC2LUIdLKs

(Apologies if you have to cut and paste this link to get it to work.

I am still not used to this Mac computer...)

Love,

Autumn

Some Truths Hurt, and It's Okay

Over the past several months, and as recently as yesterday, I have had several people tell me what they honestly thought of me, and it was not pleasant. Now let me preface this by saying two things:

1. I am not telling you this to garner unwarranted pity.
2. These were people who love me and still want to have relationships with me.

As good people, we are always exorting those in our lives to be honest with us, aren't we? Those of you with children probably teach this topic constantly as there are so many different ways to be honest and dishonest that a well mannered kid these days needs to know about. I don't have kids, but I do tell those in my life that I always want them to be honest with me. And I really do, even when it hurts me. I might even go so far as to say especially when it hurts me. Not because I am a sadist or because my vanity is thick enough to protect my heart from Truth's ravages. Rather, because I really care about those in my Life, and I want them to feel valued by me. If they do not feel valued something needs to change, and it cannot change unless those in my life are honest with me. Yes? Yes.

Honesty is something that sounds easy enough, yet can, and frequently does, require great amounts of courage to bring forth-especially to those who you feel under value you. We might think, "Why bother setting the record straight with that person when they don't really care about me, my feelings or my Life anyway?" While that is understandable, it allows for a pocket of resentment to form and fester. If left unattended, this puss pocket of resentment will become raw enough that the least brush against it will cause an erruption. Trust me. And to the person we errupt against, it may make us look a bit over-the-top since to them it was just a "brush by", and they cannot fathom what would cause such an eruption! Can I get an "Amen!"? I think we have all been there and done that, literally.

Honesty entails an accompanying responsibility we hold when we have been offended. We are responsible for communicating to those around us how we feel. If we do not speak, we cannot clear the air, and consequently neither can the offending party. Honesty then becomes the proverbial "two way street", with responsibility living on both sides of the street.

But enough of that for now. You all get what I'm saying I think. What I wanted to get to was the part where those in my life ponied up and told me truthfully what they thought of me. I want to acknowlege the guts it took to tell me the things they felt. I think especially in today's world of political correctness, and morals like"if-you-kill-a-fly-you-are-a-bad-person", we can feel it is not always even right to make another person feel momentarily uncomfortable, even if it is for a good reason. Now, I am all about equal rights for all, and all that jazz, but that is an entirely different subject. We are talking about Honesty as an action word, and Courage as its BFF. I deeply admire and love those of you who make an exerted effort to be honest with me. Thank you!

I believe I mentioned it in my most recent post, but I have for the most part lived my life by making choices based in fear. I know I come off as overly confident, but when it comes down to making decisions and balancing responsibilities and others' expectations I get major anxiety. Major. I tell you this so you don't think I callously expect Honesty and Courage from others if I do not make the same efforts in my own life. I get anxiety over the littlest things, and frequently allow my anxieties to prevent me from following through on things I want/need/have to do. So I can understand if others may get anxiety, too, at the thought of what it would mean to confront or present someone with a hidden truth. I totally get that.

We never know what it may have taken for a person to get up the courage to express a truth, and I hope we can appreciate that fact even if the Truth isn't always appetizing to swallow. Would we rather live in an imagined blissful ignorance, or would we like to know the truth and work to "own" what it means? I am serious. I have come to appreciate that many, many people would rather not know the truth. This makes me sad...and it will eventually depress them as well, even if they do not tangibly understand why.

Living in Truth allows us to be free. Yes, it will require more effort and understanding, but it will also be satisfying and a source of true bliss. Truth allows us all to move forward. Truth removes doubts and insecurities. Truth is a state in which to Live and not just a thing to be with ourselves and others.

My friends and loved ones, I did not write all these things about Truth and Honesty to preach at you and then just jump off my soap box and walk away. There is purpose in the things I write like you cannot believe! I mean these things very much and I want only to express the things I have learned by talking about how I have learned them. Sometimes the truthful things are the things that ache the most, but there is always a way to clean the wound as soon as we know it is there. If I have learned nothing else by going through these experiences, it is that Hope abounds where Truth is found-regardless of which type of Truth it is: happy, sad, angry, misunderstood, hidden, blatant, forgotten and the like.

I will leave you with these last thoughts on Honesty. When breaking an unpleasant Truth, make an effort to be gentle. Let the Truth sink in before just plowing ahead in an effort to "get it over with". Take and make the time to get it right. Try not to let anger choose your words and actions. Remember, we are responsible, too, for our Truths.

And lastly, give yourself the permission to set things straight even if you know the process may not be pleasant. Most of the bad things we expect do not go as badly in reality as they do in our minds. Say a prayer for Courage and take a step forward into the Light of Truth. I will try to do the same.

With Love,

Autumn

If You Think You Know Me, Please Think Again

As ominous as I realize this post title is, I also know it to be true. More and more I realize that I have been portraying only the most mellow, normal, mainstream version of myself in this blog. After years of fighting to change my image to others from that of a Drama Queen and/or Wild Child, or what have you, I wanted to prove to myself that once I settled down I could be just as normal as anyone else. But here's the deal: I am not normal. Ha! Well, ha, I'm really not! And I'm good with that!

Until recently I've never felt that way or wanted to be normal. Rather, for as long as I can remember, I've been one to strive for a place to shine as "unique". I've always felt I had something a little extra to be/give/do--and not at all in an "I'm better than you" way. I just know. I have always felt the need to fulfill. To a certain extent I believe each person has these same feelings, and rightly so! We are all uniquely ourselves and have our individual talents and missions in this Life. So, in that respect I suppose I am ironically "normal", ha.

Nevertheless, I can no longer pretend to be a normal little housewife or worker bee. I just can't do it. I have been seeking your approval in each of my posts, and I allowed that to morph my unique voice into something pretty boring in an effort not to shock or offend or bore or stretch credulity, or, or, well, whatever! I just haven't been being myself properly. There are things I have been wanting to say for my entire life that I have been hiding. There are boring hobbies I adore and have kept in the shadows. There are quirks and habits and talents and thoughts of which none of you fine people are aware. And I want you to be.

If this sounds like something you'd like to be a part of, great, and if not, that's okay, too. I will only say that I will at times discuss things that you might not care for, or that may be troubling, or that will just plain bore your little noggins to death. And guys, I will not apologize. If we are are going to be friends and family I want to be able to say the truth to you and be open about things. The main thing is that I want you to know who I really am. I am probably about 97% the person you believe you know, so that self same 97% of me will still be here for familiarity's sake when all else fails, don't worry. :)

So much of my choices in my Life have been fear based, and I am going to obliterate that habit. I am teaching myself that what others think of me isn't usually as bad as I imagine it will be. I am learning to trust others to love me instead of assuming they will judge me harshly or intentionally misunderstand my own intentions and words. This blog is my journey and my journal of progress. And I will progress. I want the cobwebs and shadows out and the sunshine and truth in.

No doubt I have put some of you on edge just by hinting that some posts may not be all roses and sunshine. Try not to worry about it. I'm not going to just start dumping darkness! I like light way too much for that! However, if and when appropriate, I am merely giving myself permission to speak to you, my family and friends, with candor. (Did I spell that right, by the way?) You see, to me, each person is a beautifully cut diamond. We all sparkle the most when we are brought into the light. And the more we turn our diamonds in the light, exposing our many, varied, and unique facets, the more we can appreciate the true and actual beauty of our Lives.

Do you see what it is I am trying to say and do a little better now? I hope so. And if not, well, just stick around and remember to keep hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times...(ha ha ha).

Okay, cool. I feel good about all of this. Thanks. I'll be talking more--and better--with you soon.

I love you, you know.

Love,

Autumn